Beth is the part of me that deals with Doctors, being sick and all that goes with that. She’s kind of a morbid little thing and very sickly in and of herself, even if she is a fighter. She’s taken her name from Louisa May Alcott’s Little Women’s character. I think she is the gate way that lets the Shadow come forward. Due to all the sickness that is her job, she get very sad and depressed and then the Shadow will start to whisper in her ear about how easy it would be to end the pain, suffering and disappointment. That he could take it all away.
Beth came to be when I was about 8-9 years old. This is the age that I started having Tonic-Clonic (or grand mal as they were called at the time) seizures. For those of you that don’t know I could give you the generic description (what the computer says) of what they are like but to truly understand you have to try to understand what they were like for me. First of all they are scary as hell. Usually I’d have them first thing in the morning. Here I’d been in the bathroom getting ready for the day, when suddenly my neck muscles would start to pull to the right side. If I was quick enough I could get a scream for help out before I lost the ability to speak, sometimes that didn’t happen. My mom says that she could tell what was happening just by the way I’d scream “Mom”. Then my vision would go hazy, and my muscles would start to jerk uncontrollably. If I was standing or sitting I’d fall without being able to control what I hit as I went down. From there everything just disappears till I wake up a couple of hours later. Usually I needed a shower because with the lack of muscle control comes a lack of bladder control. Then I start to notice the damage I’ve done to myself. If I was lucky when I fell all I hit was the ground, if not I may have bruise and bumps from whatever furniture I hit on the way down. Then there is my tongue, it almost never misses getting caught between my clinched teeth – (it usually takes a week to heal enough not to hurt when I eat). To top all this off it the Migraine that feels like the equivalent of what the Egyptians did to get the brains out of people they were mummifying. This usually lasts three days, during which you can’t do anything but be in pain and wish for quiet and dark. After a couple of trips to the chiropractor, you finally get to feel almost normal again. But in the meantime you’ve missed school, and when you’re nine how do you explain this to your friends.
I spent the next 5 years dealing with this about once a month, because my mom didn’t want to put me on medication. In that time I went through what my dad called every “feather and rattle” treatment imaginable – acupuncture, Chinese medicine, reflexology, herb medicine, etc. It was too much for my 9 to 14 year old mind to handle so Beth took over.
Links about Beth: