Just so readers know the plural we, us, our in quotes stands for my system (the way “we” think of ourself)- my core and the 14 alters or parts that “we” currently are aware of living together to make up our whole.
“We” started this a while back, for therapy. Too bad this is the only place “We” feel “We” can say these things.
- “We” are angry that our whole life, “We” have been taught one thing “Sex is bad!” You don’t have it. You don’t do it. You don’t think about it. You don’t discuss it. It is a taboo subject which should never be talked about. Really, this was just a way to keep the abuse quiet. But it became so ingrained that even someone of the opposite sex looking at”Us” became uncomfortable. They couldn’t touch “Us”, even to hold our hand. The question became what did they want for “Us”, why were they looking at “Us”, what did they expect? The statement: “Sex is bad!” became such a mantra in our head that “We” trusted no one.
- “We” are angry because no matter what “We” do, “We” will never be good enough. “We” will never be a wife, “We” will never have children – or give our parents grandchildren. “We” will never be our sister. “We” will never give enough to our religion. “We” will never be a good enough daughter, because “We” were not able to keep the lie going. The one that said: we were the perfect family. “We” couldn’t even keep the lie that “We” were ok, going. “We” are angry that “We” even had to and continue to have to try.
- “We” are angry that our family teaches one thing (peace and harmony) and practices another (discord, chaos, fighting, yelling, screaming). “We” are angry that our family tells the stories of their fights like they are badges of honor instead of things of shame.
- “We” are angry that “We” are thought to be a bad Christian because “We” cannot do everything (attend church, preach, etc.). “We” are angry because our family does everything and judges “us”for not. Their life is just an act, a show of how righteous they are. “We” feel like the parable of the widow who give 2 small coins, while others gave so much more. But her coins were not from abundance but from her very living. Sometimes “We” feel like everything “We” give is all “We” have and yet it’s a very small thing to others; people look at it as if it is nothing.
- “We” are angry that “We” feel so broken that “We” spend hours trying to piece ourself back together. Yet when “We” look at those around “us”, they are much more broken than “We” are, and they are doing nothing to fix that.
- “We” are angry that “We” never had a childhood at least not one that “We” can remember. “We” are angry that “We” were always an adult, always having to make decisions because “We” had one parent who wasn’t there mentally and another who wasn’t there physically. “We” are angry with our family when they talk about our childhood and “We” can’t remember any of what they are saying. “We” are angry that so much of our childhood was covered by bad that “We” don’t have any memories of being happy.
- “We” are angry that one of our grandfathers – the one who was always good to “Us” the few times “We” actually got to see him – was kept from “Us” because of a religious reason (shunning due to his habit of smoking). While the other one – the one who was far more evil, with his bad habit of messing with children, was even allowed access to “Us”. “We” are angry that his evilness was not brought to light till “We” had the courage to do it. Till then he was considered a paragon of men, a respected person within our religion, and a great man.
- “We” are angry that it was “Us” that had to shine the light, when a whole generation before “Us”was abused by this man. “We”are angry that he got away with it for over 40 years, and no one said a thing. “We” are angry that he used his position with in our religion to abuse not only his children and grandchildren but other members of our congregation and still nothing was done. “We” are angry that when “We” finally came forward, “We”were told there was really nothing they could do about it. “We” were counseled not to go to the police, because “We” would be the one who was put on trial, not him, and “We” didn’t really have any proof other than our word. “We” are angry because this made “Us” feel like our word was not good enough. That it didn’t matter. That after all “We” were just the child who had no voice. That “We” should be seen and not heard.
- “We” are angry that after all of this came out, our wishes were not respected. “We” are angry that our mother and father went behind our back and colluded with our grandparents into allowing them to see “Us”, when “We” had made it very clear “We” did not want to see them. “We” are angry that this went on for years, that our whole family tried to cover it over and find forgiveness and forgetfulness in something that was so horrible that “We” will never have complete peace from it. “We” are angry that our family expected “Us” to forgive him when he never asked for it, he never acknowledged it, he only laughed in our face. “We” are angry that our family made “Us” feel like “We” were the bad guy and he was the victim. “We” are angry that when they moved near us, “We” were even forced to give up our church because they could not find another one to go to (even though there where several others in the area).
- “We” are angry that every relationship since then, whether it be friends or boyfriends, has been tarnished by the way “We” were treated. “We” are angry that “We” can no longer trust anyone fully and that “We” are always looking for someone to hurt “Us”. “We” are angry that sometimes “We”look for a way out before this happens, so that “We” can protect ourself from being hurt even though it may never happen.
- “We” are angry that there are no boundaries within our family, there is no privacy. “We” cannot even have a locked door. “We” are angry that “We” get scared even writing things down or speaking about them, in fear that they will find out.
- “We” are angry that the one time “We” spoke to our mother about what happened to “Us” that she told “Us” that it was impossible that our grandfather would ever do something like that. “We”have not even told her some of the more horrific things. “We” are angry that in our mother’s mind oor grandparents are split in 2 – there are the ones that did these horrible things and then there are the ones that her parents – who are saintly and good and she only remembers those ones. “We” are angry that she talks about them like they hung the moon and could do no wrong. Every time she does this, it’s like a cut “Us” to the very soul.
- “We” are angry that our father would rather run away and hide then look at the biggest mistake he ever made – not protecting “Us”. “We” know “We” are a daily reminder to him of this mistake and that’s why he can’t even seem to look at “Us” or have a relationship with “Us” beyond the most superficial. “We” are angry that he KNEW what our grandfather was even before “We” were born, and he did nothing to protect “Us”.