My name is Rose Smith. To start with I’m a survivor of incest and abuse. Since November 2010, I have been experiencing increased depression, agoraphobia, anxiety, panic attacks, flashbacks, insomnia, and many other symptoms. In February, I was diagnosed with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). I am starting medication and talk therapy, but it was also suggested that I keep a journal.
I want to say a little something about the name of my blog and the picture at the top of my blog, so that you can better understand me, as a person. I choose the picture because I need to remember the female form is something of beauty. For so long nakedness, beauty and sex-appeal have been something that my family (and thus myself) has viewed with shame and disgust. A secret that should never be talked about. I am going to change that way of thinking even if it is only here in this journal. The picture is also supposed to be a depiction of the phoenix (the name of my blog). The mythical bird/ sometimes human that emerges new from the burnt ashes of its old self. I think the symbolism is pretty clear. I’m hoping to arise anew from the ashes of my old burnt life. I am going to burn away old beliefs and feelings and burn down to the covered memories that up till now have been buried and start anew in a clean, fresh light. At least I hope so. There is so much that needs to be changed and discovered; that it will almost take a real fire to remove or uncover it.
To protect the innocent, I have changed the names of everyone that appears in this blog, including my own. Most of the names are from the Bible and I have chosen them to help represent what these people are like in real life.
Through therapy I have come to the realization that there are parts of me that reside in the whole me – click here to read about them