This is going to be a long post and it has been a long time in coming for that I’m sorry. Where to start? I meet another one of my alters today. She’s been around for a very long time but she is finally ready to let me know that she’s there. Up till now she has just been a faceless, ghostlike part that would take over, but I wasn’t sure who or what she was. I have quite a few of these still, and I’m sure that with time they will all decide that it is ok to come out and be introduce.
I kept trying to explain to myself what this is like, in the hope that someday I will understand it enough to be able to make someone else understand it. Sometimes I look at what I write and think this person is absolutely crazy! Wait, this person it me!?! If I think I sound crazy how am I going to convince others that I’m not? I know I don’t have DID because I never lose time or lose the ability to know what is happening, I just lose the ability to control it. In my last post I compare it to watching a TV show and being so involved in it that you yell at screen or try to will the people in it to do what you want them to do but you can’t get them to because you have no control. When they take over, it’s like they put me in a room with a window and I keep watching my live go by but l can’t get out and stop or change anything. They come in sometimes and talk to me and if they are in an agreeable mood they may ask what I think or I want to do. Not that they always listen. Sometimes I can get them to let me out and take over but that is only if they think I can handle it. Sometimes one alter comes in and another leaves to take over. Sometime the change happens so fast, I can’t tell who is out from one minute to the next.
Now that I got that out, back to my new alter – Beth, as in Louisa May Alcott’s Little Women’s Beth. I have to say I really should have realized this one was there long before this. With a life full of sickness and pain I should have know that there was one that was handling this part of me.
So why has she finally decided know was the time to come out into the light and be identified and seen. I think it has to do with the amount of doctors and pain I’ve had to deal with in the last 3 months. Three months ago I fell in Wal-Mart’s and messed up my rotator cuff in my shoulder. I’ve spent time at the hospital, my primary care doctor, the chiropractor, an orthopedic doctor, getting tons of tests including a MRI, plus having to go to physical therapy. With all this I realize that Beth has been triggered a lot in the last couple of months and I think that she wanted to come out all the way to me.
Each time one of these alters comes forward; it’s like finding a whole new part of you that’s broken. The hard part is then you have to figure out what it was that cause Beth to be in the first place, what things she feels it is her job to handle, and how to fix it so that she doesn’t have be. It’s like making a new friend – you have to find out who they are, what interests them, what they do, everything about them – all the while realizing that they are really a part of you that you just don’t know. Every time it messes with you mind. Right now I’m trying to work on a page for Beth, I will be adding to it as I go.