My name is NOT Rose Smith, but for the protection of the innocent that is the name we go by. Because I am a person living with Dissociative Identity Disorder, I use the plural pronouns of we, us, etc. because this is who we are. To start with we are a survivor of incest and abuse. Since November 2010, we have been experienced increases depression, agoraphobia, anxiety, panic attacks, flashbacks, insomnia, and many other symptoms. In February 2011, we were diagnosed with PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). We’ve tried many different medications, all of which have either made things worse or did nothing at all. We also started talk therapy, but it was also suggested that we keep a journal. So here it is.
We wanted to start out by saying a little something about the name of our blog and the picture of the naked lady, so that you can better understand us, as a person/team. We choose the picture because we need to remember the female form is something of beauty. For so long nakedness, beauty and sex-appeal have been something that our family (and thus ourself) has viewed with shame and disgust. A secret that should never be talked about. We are working on changing that way of thinking even if it is only here in this journal. The picture is also supposed to be a depiction of the phoenix (the name of our blog). The mythical bird/ sometimes human that emerges new from the burnt ashes of its old self. We think the symbolism is pretty clear. We’re hoping to arise anew from the ashes of our old burnt life. We are going to burn away old beliefs and feelings and burn down to the covered memories that up till now have been hidden and start anew in a clean, fresh light. At least we continue to hope so. There is so much that needs to be changed and discovered; that it will almost take a real fire to remove or uncover it.
To protect the innocent, we have changed the names of everyone that appears in this blog, including our own. Most of the names are from the Bible and we have chosen them to help represent what these people are like in real life.
Because I am a person living with Dissociative Identity Disorder, we have parts or what we like to call teammates – click here to read about them.
Phoenix - My Child Abuse Recovery Journal 
Do you find that it’s hard to concentrate on things? I have PTSD and DDNOS and lately it’s been a real struggle to focus on anything! This is a recent development, though I have been living with the disorders/diagnoses for years, and it’s driving me crazy. Mostly, I just sit because I can’t seem to do anything.
All the time. Sometimes I feel like I spend the whole day looking off into space and I don’t even know it till one of my parents comes home and ask me what I did all day. I don’t even know how to answer them. I was trying to take some on-line class only to come away feeling like a failure because I couldn’t read more then a paragraph or two without getting lost. This was really hard for me to accept since in school I was a straight A student, who took all advance classes.
I’m thankful that my hubby doesn’t ask me what I did all day because often it is just staring into space. Fortunately, I’m healing from hand surgery no I’m not expected to do anything. I’m supposed to be reading a book and reviewing it for the author but can’t focus and I, too, feel like a failure. I just want to be normal!
I’ve decided to go with – I am normal, it’s everyone else that’s crazy. It makes me feel better.
I can do that! I saw my psychiatrist today and told her I was questioning whether I really have PTSD (she rolled her eyes) and looked up the symptoms on one of your links. Um, I really do have it. Then I told her I was also questioning whether I have DDNOS and she replied “And so were they?”. Okay, DDNOS is it.