Over-thinking Art Therapy

So we’ve been working on my anger issues in therapy and last week my T had me do this Crayon drawing, because I couldn’t talk.  I tried to talk but nothing would come out. It was really frustrating and so my T brought out the Crayons.  I sat looking at this box trying to figure out which color I wanted to use. Too IMG_0175many choices, plus I felt like I was being judge by which color I did choose.  I’m sitting there and going through my head is if I pick reds then T will think I’m angry or violent, if I pick blues T will think I’m icy/cold – unfeeling, if I pick yellow I’m trying to be something I’m not cheerful. After going through every color this way in my head and still not being able to pick a color, what do I do? I pulled out the black because it is what I always go for and that is what this whole exercise has made me feel – no matter what I pick it is all doom, gloom and darkness .

I have a crayon, now what? What am I suppose to draw?  I finally turn to T and ask. And T gives me an answer that makes me want to punch her in the face – “whatever you feel”. (WTF that suppose to mean?) If I knew that then I draw it.  Then T says “just start and it will come”, at which point Rose is screaming in my head ” this is so not logical, we neead a plan before you draw or you’re wasting paper.” Fighting to drown out that I just draw lines on top of lines. It all felt stupid.

I  left with therapy with this feeling I can’t even do that right. The next day I was still felling bummed out by the whole thing so I thought I’d try it again without anyone watching, so I didn’t have to feel like I was being judged.  I use my tablet so I wasn’t wasting paper and again it came out all lines. Getting frustrated I turned on the eraser and started erasing. And that’s when the calm came. I realized art therapy – as in drawing some didn’t help anything, but erasing it was great. It was like erasing everything that was wrong in my life and giving myself a new slate to work with. After that I let all my anger out on my tablet in a multitude of colors and shapes, then I erased like I wished I could erase all that anger from my life.  Finally art therapy that was logical.

 

 

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The Legacy Of Child Abuse – SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

I forget to add this to my list of aftereffects of child abuse, but right now it is the one I am dealing with the most and trying really hardest to get rid of. Since my adopted grandma’s death, all I have wanted is to be with her. I miss her so much because she was the one that keep me center when everything around me was spinning out of control. She reminded me that I was a powerful, kind, beautiful, loving person, when the rest of the world and my own mind were telling me I was worthless. With the birth of my sister’s new baby, being denied once again for social security and increased health problems the thoughts of suicide have gone from sometimes crossing my mind to an ever-present whisper there.suicide pills

It would be so easy to swallow the 30 or so different prescription medications that I have in my kitchen, to slam my car into a cement barrier or drown myself in the ocean. The only thing that is holding me back at this point is that I am more afraid that I’ll screw it up and it won’t work, that I won’t die but I will get stuck in a coma or something equally horrible, after all with my luck lately this is just the thing that would happen. After discussing this for a second time with my therapist is as many weeks, I almost landed myself back in the county run nut house. This is also something I don’t want as the last time was traumatic and triggered A LOT of my issues with hospitals. Plus I don’t want to deal with the crap I got last time from my family about checking myself in. As my father put it “I don’t belong there, I’m not crazy so stop acting like I am.”

All I want is peace, and falling asleep and not waking up seem like a good way to achieve that. I want the world to go away and the voices in my head to stop. I don’t want to FEEL anything anymore, and I think that in the long run it would be easier on my family because I wouldn’t be a constant reminder of the fact that we’re not the prefect picture they try so f%&king hard to show the world. I am tired of being the only one trying to change and I am tired of trying to explain what is wrong with me. Last week in therapy I went from balling my eyes out (something I never do, at least not in front of anyone) to having Rose take over and shutting me down. She shut down ever emotion and put me into robot mode. The problem with that is that Rose is having a hard time staying in control, because whether she and I like it or not, the emotions are there and they want out. I am in the process of trying to find an in-patient treatment center that can help before the pills that line my kitchen cabinets became a temptation that I no longer want to talk myself out of.  The problem I’m having is finding a place where they don’t just drug you out of your mind and say ok you’re better. I want a place that can really help me and won’t be a waste of my time or money. If anyone has any suggestions, I’m in the southeast USA.

As of right now, I have my therapist doing daily check-ups on me, not by my choice, to make sure I’m still breathing, I guess. To tell you the true, Rose hates it but she hates all things Therapy. She is putting up with it mainly because it pisses The Shadow off (the voice behind the suicidal thoughts), most of my others are on the fence about it, except for Edith who thinks its sweet (which is making everyone else want to gag). My personalities can’t even get on the same page with this, so I’m pretty sure for now that they will not be getting on the same page on ending it all. I just wish everything didn’t feel so hopeless.

Stuck In My Rose Alter

As most of you have read, I lost my adopted grandmother a few weeks ago. For the week before and since that time the only alter that has been out is Rose. When Grandma was sick and I was here all alone having to deal with doctors, hospice, paperwork and her totally crazy grand-niece, I needed Rose. I needed her to be out. I needed to be on auto-pilot, to get things done. I needed to not feel anything just to make it through each day. Because underneath of her was a scared little kid who was losing someone they loved and had no control what so ever. The problem is that now I can’t shut her off. She keeps trying to shelve all my feelings, turn them off, not allow them to surface so now I’m walking around with this big lump of feelings in the middle of my chest and tears that just can’t seem to break the surface and I want them out. I think that I have to go back to the beginning of all this and start processing my feelings from there. But first I have to get Rose to let go of the firm grip she has on my emotions. I know that part of the reason she doesn’t want to let go is because she is the part of me that believes the words that were said to me so many times as a child “you never let them see you cry”, “tears are a sign of weakness”, and “to be strong you can’t let them see you feel”.

I think that with my parents leaving to take Reuben (nephew) home that I will finally have the alone time I need to turn Rose off and feel. I have a lot to process but I’m hoping to get it all out in the next week.

 

Lead Then Left With No Direction

For the last couple of weeks, Rose has taken over and shut down my emotions/feelings. Mostly she has been spending a lot of time in the background, since I quit working, with the exception of my sister’s wedding. She was out then, to control everything, to organize and make things run smoothly. After which she quietly withdrew to let the others deal. When all the stuff when down with my therapist, she came back with a need to put a stop to all things feeling/emotional. She no longer was willing to allow “A” to feel anything at all as it was causing too much pain and frustration. She’s ready to roll up the tents and get back to her life, a life of order, control and non-stop work.  I had to fight even going back to therapy because she is tired of the road it is leading us down.

The problem is that while Rose is one of my stronger parts, she uses so much energy to be that way that she burns out rather quickly. In the process she also burns out my physical strength by trying to do too much. Now my fibromyalgia has flared back up with a vengeance, and I am in a lot of physical pain. I’m also back to sleeping all the time.  Which isn’t good since she has lead me down a road and basically left me in a highly volatile situation, and walked away.

As a way to get control back and to feel like a contribution to society, Rose has taken on something that may be over her head just to feel of worth. It started with a friend getting married and needing a cake. While I didn’t do the cake for my sister’s wedding, I had done a lot of research on it and was fairly confident that I could have done it. My mother knowing this suggested that the friends ask me to do their cake. I truly believe that if Rose hadn’t been ruling in my head I wouldn’t have said yes, but she was so here I am making a 4-teired chocolate and vanilla wedding cake. Rose is confident; the rest of me is scared to death. To top it off, Rose went on to say yes to doing the wedding flowers as well. Thank goodness she had the common sense to tell the bride and groom that they would have to be in silk. But I forgot the most important part, the wedding is in less than 2 weeks.

The problem I’m having now is that Rose has done what she feels will make me a contributing member of society and now she is ready to go back into hiding. While she is not my creative part she is my most confident and I need her out and helping my creative parts to know that they can actually do this.

I feel like screaming. I feel betrayed by myself. I’m scared and panicy and wondering how in the H#!! I got here.