So we’ve been working on my anger issues in therapy and last week my T had me do this Crayon drawing, because I couldn’t talk. I tried to talk but nothing would come out. It was really frustrating and so my T brought out the Crayons. I sat looking at this box trying to figure out which color I wanted to use. Too many choices, plus I felt like I was being judge by which color I did choose. I’m sitting there and going through my head is if I pick reds then T will think I’m angry or violent, if I pick blues T will think I’m icy/cold – unfeeling, if I pick yellow I’m trying to be something I’m not cheerful. After going through every color this way in my head and still not being able to pick a color, what do I do? I pulled out the black because it is what I always go for and that is what this whole exercise has made me feel – no matter what I pick it is all doom, gloom and darkness .
I have a crayon, now what? What am I suppose to draw? I finally turn to T and ask. And T gives me an answer that makes me want to punch her in the face – “whatever you feel”. (WTF that suppose to mean?) If I knew that then I draw it. Then T says “just start and it will come”, at which point Rose is screaming in my head ” this is so not logical, we neead a plan before you draw or you’re wasting paper.” Fighting to drown out that I just draw lines on top of lines. It all felt stupid.
I left with therapy with this feeling I can’t even do that right. The next day I was still felling bummed out by the whole thing so I thought I’d try it again without anyone watching, so I didn’t have to feel like I was being judged. I use my tablet so I wasn’t wasting paper and again it came out all lines. Getting frustrated I turned on the eraser and started erasing. And that’s when the calm came. I realized art therapy – as in drawing some didn’t help anything, but erasing it was great. It was like erasing everything that was wrong in my life and giving myself a new slate to work with. After that I let all my anger out on my tablet in a multitude of colors and shapes, then I erased like I wished I could erase all that anger from my life. Finally art therapy that was logical.