I ATE THE RABBIT!

I’ve been dealing with this one for awhile.  At first I didn’t want to believe it, then I didn’t want to think about it, then I just didn’t know how to write about it. Of all the memories/flashbacks this has been the hardest for me to deal with because it goes against everything I believe in. Coming to terms with it was like coming to terms with pure evil. I finally have gotten to the place where I can say this was not my fault.  I had no control. I was brainwashed into doing these things. Now I need to write about it and let it go or at least get it out.

**** Trigger Warning – Contains animal sacrifice, blood, and rituals. ****

This all started with me having a reacquiring dream. I’m writing this as the dreams happened for me. I’d dream a little bit, then wake at the same spot for a while. Then something would loosen and I dream more, only to stop at a spot, and only dream up to there for a few nights/weeks, before it would loosen again and I’d get more. The deeper into the dream I got the less time/nights before the jump to the next part.

The dream always starts the same way – floating through some woods being drawn to a light ahead. At first I’d wake up here, scared but not sure why.

Then the dream jumped forward – I’m being compelled forward toward the light even though everything inside me wants to run away from the light not toward it. I feel hands coming up out of the ground and grabbing at my feet as I go by, trying to stop me.

Again I wake up. More nights of just dreaming that before the dream advances again – The hands can’t stop me even though they try and then the trees part. I’m in a clearing, there is a fire (the light that was beaconing me), and people covered in hooded capes. They are gathered around a little girl. She is wearing nothing and she is me. Now I wake in terror at least for the first few times. Then I wake with questions, so many questions,- Is this dream real? Why am I in the wood? Where are my clothes? And who are the hooded people?

I don’t have long a this point, just a few nights before the dream advances again – One of the hooded figures comes forward with a rabbit. IMG_0198The rabbit squirms in its hands. Then I hear the sickening crack and it goes limp.

Again I awake. At this point weeks have gone by of dreaming this dream, the more I have it the more real it feels. Man, do I wish it didn’t because the next bit of the dream is the worst – The rabbit is then shoved at the little girl that is me, and I’m told to eat it. I refuse it at first. It’s raw, full of blood and it still has a face and fur, there’s no way I’m eating it. The figure speaks then and I know it’s my grandfather even though I can’t see his face. He says “if I won’t eat the rabbit, they’ll go get my sister and do to her what they did to the rabbit.” Then I’m inside the little girl who is me’s head and I can hear her thoughts – I don’t want to eat the bunny. I’m not suppose to eat blood, it’s against one of the rules in the Bible. I don’t understand. If I eat the bunny God will hate me for eating blood, it I don’t eat the bunny God will hate me for getting my sister killed. What do I do? In the end, I choose the bunny as it seems like the lesser of two evils. The blood is the first thing I notice – it covers her/me. I can smell its irony smell and taste it’s coppery taste. Then it’s like the girl that is me loses all the human in her and is taken over by a blood lust that can only be called animal in its nature. And she goes a little feral on the rabbit until there is nothing left but blood and bones. Then there is pain and darkness. And I’m awake and trying to breath.

The first round of this dream started months ago, and after talking through it with my therapist I almost came to believe that it was just a bad dream nothing more. And for a while it seem to settle into the background. But after being triggered in the craft store by Halloween stuff this dream is back with a vengeance – start to finish no building up to it like last time. Every time I wake up feeling like I’m covered in blood. I wake up smelling the iron and tasting the copper that is blood. And I know deep down in my soul, no matter how much I wish it didn’t, this dream happened. It is real and I ATE THE RABBIT!

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Guilt, Vengeance and Justice

My last post spoke about how I was feeling guilty over my feelings of happiness over my grandmother’s condition, and how I was raised to feel differently. I feel the need to expand on that. As I’ve said before I was raised in a very religious home. I was taught to follow the words of Romans 12:17-21:

17 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. 19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it[i] to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 20 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good. – The Holy Bible, English Standard Version

While I have problems with a lot of my religious upbringing this is on principle that I do believe in – THAT GOD (or Karma or Fate, depending on what you believe in) WILL MEASURE OUT VENGEANCE AS HE SEES FIT AND THAT HIS WILL BE WORSE THAN ANYTHING I COULD COME UP WITH. So far that has held true – after all my grandfather spent month gasping for breath as he slowly drowned on the fluid building up around his lungs and heart; it was a slow and painful death. Now my grandmother has broken her hip which has made it so that she has to do something she doesn’t want to do – let someone else be in charge. She has months of rehab ahead of her in which she will have people telling what to do. She will be in a nursing home instead of her home. People will be controlling her sleeping, eating, medications, dressing, grooming, pretty much everything but her breathing; it will drive her crazy.

I looked up guilt, vengeance and justice in the dictionary:

GUILT – a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

VENGEANCE – infliction of injury, harm, humiliation, or the like, on a person by another who has been harmed by that person; the desire for revenge.

JUSTICE – the administering of deserved punishment.

This is what I’ve learned: I can feel that justice has been administered when bad things happen to the bad people in my life without feeling a need for guilt. After all I am not the one that is inflicting the vengeance, I am just the one that gets the feelings of justification that comes with the punishment that they receive.

Genevieve Is Active

****PLEASE BE WARNED THE FOLLOWING HAS RELIGIOUS AND ABUSE TRIGGERS IN IT AND SHOULD ONLY BE READ BY THOSE THAT ARE EMOTIONALLY READY AND ABLE TO HANDLE IT.****

For the last few days I have been hearing Genevieve’s voice is my head repeating the 23 Psalms:

1 The LORD is my shepherd,

I shall not want.

2 He makes me lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside quiet waters.

3 He restores my soul;

He guides me in the paths of righteousness

For His name’s sake.

4 Even though I walk through the valley of deep darkness

I fear no evil, for You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You have anointed my head with oil;

My cup overflows.

6 Surely goodness and loving-kindness will follow me all the days of my life,

And I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

It’s what she chants as she pulls on the tangled web of my religious upbringing. It’s like a mantra to keep her safe from the evil strings she is pulling at.

STRING NUMBER ONE – Ephesians 6:1-3, Colossians 3:20

1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER (which is the first commandment with a promise), 3 SO THAT IT MAY BE WELL WITH YOU, AND THAT YOU MAY LIVE LONG ON THE EARTH.

20 Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord.

My grandfather used these scripture sayings that it meant not just that children had to obey their parents but also their grandparents, and if I didn’t do what he said then I was not only disobeying him but God and that God would make me pay. That I was required to do everything that he said: obeying him in everything. That God could even take my life from me if I didn’t.

STRING NUMBER TWO – Hebrews 13:17

17 Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they keep watch over your souls as those who will give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with grief, for this would be unprofitable for you.

My grandfather held a position of power for many years in our church. As such he used his position to say that I must OBEY and submit to whatever he wanted or it would go badly for me.

I know there is more but these are the BIGGEST strings that she is trying to untangle. Genevieve needs to find a way to put these scriptures in their right place and not allow the way my grandfather perverted them to control her faith and thus mine.

 
**All scripture passages are from the New American Standard Bible.