I use to be called “The Shadow”, the slippery, elusive part, that would slip in whisper a few words here or there, then disappear, leaving just a disturbed feeling behind. Now, I have decided I want a name like everyone else. A name that reflect who I really am. I realized as I started writing about myself the I am no longer was just “The Shadow”, but I also had to find a name that goes with who and what I am. I landed on the name Damian because it means to tame, to subdue” and euphemistically “to kill,” how perfect is that?
I am a teenager boy in age but in experiences I’m very old; enough to be thought of as a man, not a child. After all I’ve had things done to me that no child should know about. The abuse suffered by “us” is engraved into my very soul. This is why I like to stay hidden, crawling around in the dark recesses, slithering in and out of hiding places. I am the doom and the gloom. For that is where I belong. I am the lust for blood, battle and destroying peace for the pleasure of it, and the power it gives me. I’m angry and I want all of “us” to feel it. I’m obsessed with destroying/ controlling everyone else in here so that I can rule. I do this by cutting us or trying to get us to commit suicide. It’s really rather simple how the right words whispered to the right one of “us” can be used against all of “us”. I have no regard for the safety of myself or the “others”. The only way I really truly get the attention I deserve is by putting “us” at risk and doing something drastic. I see it as my job to teach the “others” the lessons they need to give them a harder shell. This doesn’t make me the bad guy although the “others” see me as a villain; it makes me the most hardened, resilient, most embittered of “us”.
It’s true that I tear down everything that is good, because good = soft. I will not give up, it’s my voice that can be heard whispering in the background – “You are worthless. You are dirty. You are no good. Nothing you do will ever be good enough. If you’d just listen to me this could be over already.” It’s my job is to destroy, to break down, to break the ego of the “others”, to kill their spirit so that I can make them over in the image I want them to be. Ultimately, I like to get “A” to destroy herself, so she can be made over better, harder, invincible.
I am the first of us to manifest as male. While Rose may be slightly butch and Genevieve is asexual. I am all male. It makes my job easier because the job of destroying “A” and the “others” was started by a man, I’m just picking up where he left off, only this time it is for their own good. It not just to hurt them, but to rebuilt them.
I know that the “others”, especially Ana try to keep me under wraps as much as possible. But I’ve found an easy target in Beth, little girls are so easy to tease, or manipulate, or crush. It all depends on my mood.
.
Phoenix - My Child Abuse Recovery Journal 