This is a post that was started a while ago, and “we” are just now posting.
So “we” were asked in therapy what “we” wanted to happened after confronting our grandfather at 18 years of age about the abuse. (Our therapist got this list a while ago. It was a real eye opener for her.) It started with what “we” wanted from our father, but “we” realize that “we” have no control over him. So back to “us” and the many thoughts that went through our head. This is when “we” realized “we” don’t have an easy answer to that question. The real answer is that “we” all wanted different things, and “we” still do. For those that may be asking my abuser – grandfather is dead from natural causes. So here’s what “we” wanted:
****** TRIGGER WARNING – Some of this is graphic.******
KIT – I wanted him to admit that he was a bad man, and he did bad things to me. All I got instead was laughter and yelling.
DAMIEN, BECCA, KENNY – Because we basically rebellious teenagers all we wanted was to let the world know who and what our grandfather was in a public, in a “hit him where he lives” kind of way. We came up with defacing his house with graffiti and gasoline. We had read somewhere that if you used gasoline you could burn words permanently into the grass. We’re thinking things like pedophile, child abuser, I get off on hurting children, beware, danger, protect your children from this deviant, etc.
ROSE, BETH, ANA, ERIC – We wanted justice, as in a court of law. Hours and hours as the world learned of all his dirty, well-kept secrets. TV new coverages blasting his face and his predilections for children around till there was no place he could hide. The picture of his life becoming so gloomy that when outsiders viewed it, it would no longer look like the Norman Rockwell painting he tried to present to the world but would resemble a pile of garbage. Then when all that was over he would the spend the rest of his life in jail. Rotting.
GENEVIEVE – I wanted him to lose not just his position of leadership in our church, (which he did eventually) but I wanted people to know why. I wanted him to be shunned and shamed for the things he did to us. I wanted him to feel as guilty before God and everyone else as I as do. Instead of being pious even after losing his position, I wanted him to be made to hid in shame for what he did. I wanted him to feel as unwelcome as I was made to feel in the “House of God.” While l know vengeance belongs to God, I could have used a little justice, compassion, mercy, harmony, peace and love.
AMMY – Poison- something that killed him slowly and painfully – like Arsenic which causes a slow painful death with vomiting, diarrhea and internal bleeding or Cyanide which causes the body to stop producing its own energy, with further symptoms including hyperventilation, dizziness, nausea, headaches, convulsions and death.
SONJA, ALEX, LOLA, & PETER– We wanted justice (maybe vengeance??) in the form of torture/death. Every ounce, second, bit of pain we experienced we wanted it revisited to him tenfold.
For SONJA and ALEX this means lingchi or death by a thousand cuts – This is were the condemned ( our grandfather ) is tied to a post. Then using an extremely sharp knife, bits of skin and limbs are gradually removed one by one. In this case starting with the genitals as this was the most offending member. Followed by ears, nose, tongue, fingers, and toes before proceeding to cuts that removed large portions of flesh from more sizable parts of the body. It would culminate in a final cut to the heart or decapitation. The entire process would last at least three days, and a total of some 3,000 or more cuts.
For PETER this means lapidation or stoning. This is the Biblical way of dealing with rape. Our grandfather would have been buried up to his waist and then pelted with stones by a crowd of those he hurt until battered to death. The stones would have been small enough that death would not have been happened as a result of one or two blows, but large enough to cause physical harm. This would have been extremely painful and lasted at least 10 to 20 minutes.
For LOLA it more about the mind games. Like he did on us, the use of psychological forms of torture would be used to destroy his normal self-image, make him feel out of control, helplessness, fear, guilt, shame, etc. until he was left with similar levels of permanent mental damage as his victims.
Or maybe we all wanted the same thing but in different ways – justice, acknowledgement and for him to feel what we have felt and continue to feel each and every day.
As for our father all “we” really wanted from him was for him to be on our side. Him taking a baseball ball to our grandfather would have been nice, though illegal. Him telling our grandfather to go to hell would have been very satisfying. Him telling our grandfather he was never allowed in our house again, that he was never allowed anywhere near “us” or his family, that would’ve been the best. Our father standing up to our mother and telling her that her attempts to allow that man in our house or near “us” were not acceptable, that’s what “we” wanted.
“We” don’t know how much this helped “us”, but for a while some of the more anger ones of “us” found some peace with this exercise.