Last week it came up in therapy that all of a sudden I was obsessed with cleaning. That all I wanted to do was clean, scrub, polish till everything was bright and shiny and, well clean. Normally I hate cleaning. In fact, I detest it. I’d rather go to the dentist and have my teeth drilled than vacuum, dust, mop, scrub, any of that. I barely can stand doing my laundry or washing my hair. Yet I spent an hour scrubbing the shower and I had to clean the whole house from top to bottom.
Trigger Warning: Repressed abuse memories
So what was causing this obsession – a memory. As my therapist and I trace the feelings back, Kit came out. Suddenly I was choking, shaking, biting my nails (a habit I kicked years ago), and wanting to scrub my skin raw. She was back in the shower having bad things done to her, and all she wanted was to be… Clean. See the connection.
So I’m totally freaking out, I can’t stop biting my nails and I’m feeling very unsettled. And my therapist chooses this time to bring up that maybe I need to see someone who is even more specialized in DID. Just what I need. I already have abandonment issues, issues with trust and a hard time dealing with all that is going on with me. Now my therapist is suggesting I start all over with someone new, not only that but a male therapist. Yeah, right! I really don’t trust men with this, like I want to change therapist and then go to a man on top of that.
To give her credit, my therapist did notice how much her suggestion, messed me up even more than I already was, and backtracked, but by that time the damage was done. Now I’m scared about trusting her, does she want to treat me? Or is she not sure how? Or does she want to get rid of me? Am I too much for her to handle? Now what do I do?