Ghost of Yesteryears

TRIGGER WARNING 

I don’t know if this will trigger anyone or not but I putting a warning on it in case. I have been living with this image every imagewhere – when I close my eyes, when I look in the mirror, it feels as if it is burned on to my very eyes, so that everywhere I look I see it. I’ve tried to depict it in the picture, but even it can’t seem to do it justice.  What I see is a blonde angelic looking small child covered in blood. I know it’s Kit from the look of her except that she seems to be dripping blood all over the place – everywhere.

After talking about this in therapy, my therapist had me do some visualization exercises where I replace the bleeding child with how I wanted her to look – protect, strong, covered in armor. I worked really hard at replacing the one image with the other. To help, at least when I look in the mirror I’ve gone back to brilliant red instead of strawberry blonde for my hair color.image

Now instead of a bleeding child, I hear none stop crying, whimpering, screeching. It’s gotten so bad that I’m medicating myself almost to a coma just for a few hours sleep. I actually miss the bleeding child, even though she was disturbing, she was quiet. When I brought it up again in therapy today, my therapist says I needed to set rules and make my alters obey. First of all the word obey is a trigger for most of my alters. It’s a sure way to get them to NOT do what I want them to do. Second I have been trying to set boundaries/rules with them but that doesn’t always work – some days it does some days it doesn’t. I know that this is stress induced, but right now I can’t do much to change that.  I just wish for a better way of coping with this.

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One thought on “Ghost of Yesteryears

  1. Have you ever heard of Colin Ross, M.D. a psychiatrist who specializes in trauma induced DID, etc?…..He had a client for nearly 14 years with DIDNOS, similar to you where she knew her alters instead of being completely dissociative. Her therapy focused on letting the inner ones talk and express and eventually they either “integrated” or ” went home to heaven ” . It seems a good idea if you found a therapist who knew more about trauma/DID. MERELY setting boundaries for your inner ones is not fully giving them a voice that choughs lead to more freedom from the past trauma. Just my thoughts but I do think of you look up Dr Ross, you may find his works very helpful.

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