I brought up in therapy today how I was having trouble making decisions, even the easiest things like what to wear or what to eat, where too much for me. Yesterday I went all day in my pajamas and didn’t eat a thing because I couldn’t get my head around making those decisions. I knew I had to leave the house to get my medication, but my brain wouldn’t work as I stood in front of the closet. I just stood there and stood there. Then I walk away because I couldn’t handle it. Finally about six in the evening, I just put on something that was in the dirty clothes pile to be washed because I’d worn it already so it had to be alright (I don’t know, it doesn’t even make sense to me). I go to the store for my meds and I have to wait so I walk up and down the isles looking for food because I hadn’t ate all day. The logically part of me knew I had to eat but I left the store with only my meds because after 1/2 hour of walking around I still couldn’t figure out what to eat. All I want is for someone to come in, lay out my clothes for the day and put food in front of me. I realize that Kit is very much out right now, she wants a mother to take care of her, to fed her, to dress her, etc. The problem is the I’m all Kit has, so I have to deal with myselves.
My therapist told me that she wanted me to work on the following this week to help with this:
- Act – without thinking. Example: go to the store and just put things in my cart to eat – don’t think about do I want to eat this, should I eat this, will I like this.
- Feel – Ride the wave of emotions that this brings up without trying to act on them. Just feel them.
- Think – Once I have acted and felt the emotions then I get to think about it. But only as “I was able to make a decision about…… Yeah.
So I tried this when I got out of therapy, because once again I went all day without eating and there was no food in the house so I had to buy some. I tried really hard just to act but I found myself dissociating instead. I have no idea what I bought, I know I put away stuff but I can’t tell you what, part of me is afraid to even look. How do I feel? I feel confused. I’m thinking that the idea of therapy was to get me more in the present, not dissociating into no-man’s land. I can’t quite get the Yeah to come out on the thinking part of this because while one of me made decisions I have no idea what they were.
I keep try so hard to work the things my therapist gives me to do, but I feel like I am failing at them. I did act when I got home, I went to bed, and slept. It was the only thing I could do without thinking.
I’m so frustrated because I use to be this person who ran a merchandising department for a fortune 500 company. I use to make really important decisions about products and sales and now I can’t even make decisions about what to eat or what to wear. It’s like its beyond my grasp, beyond my capability.