I really don’t like this exercise/homework. (see part one). I don’t know how I am supposed to turn off the thinking part of my brain without dissociating. I’ve had to think things through, weigh pros and cons, and make decisions my whole life. Not doing this is like giving up control. I don’t like doing that either. When I wasn’t in control bad things happened – my grandfather raped me, my mother dissociated and beat me, I’d have seizures and loss control/awareness and end up in the hospital, being poked and prodded without knowing why. It’s why I have to think everything through. I have to know when I make a decision that I am not doing something that is going to put me in harm’s way.
I can’t act on impulse. I can’t act on impulse. I can’t act on impulse.
That is like asking for bad things to happen to me. Acting on impulse mean trusting your gut, trusting yourself. I don’t. Without the thinking, I dissociate, I go numb, I become paralyzed with fear. The problem is that too much thinking, is now over-loading my brain and making my able to do anything impossible. I feel damned if it do and damned if I don’t.
All this working on things in therapy, the holiday season and my own frustration have started inducing what I call the “Itch Till You Bleed” panic attacks again. I don’t even notice I’m scratching my skin till I look down and I’m covered in claw marks, red lines up and down my arms, some that are bleeding, some that are just raw. I thought I was past that. I just feel scared all around, and totally powerless, out of control. None of which feelings I like.