I’m sitting in my therapist’s office last week feeling like a total failure, dejected and depressed. Why? Because I can’t answer even the easiest questions. Things like ” What makes me happy?” “What do I like to do for myself?” and “What brings me joy?” It very sad not to be able to answer these questions because you have no idea how to answer. Thinking of myself and what I want or need is a new thing for me. It usually “What can I do for others?” and “What will make them happy so that they will – like, care, notice – me?”
So this week I have been exploring my inner child. First there was the letter, now I’m going back and learning what makes her happy. What make me happy – full of joy – excited – and while, what really doesn’t. After all, when you try things there is no guarantee that you are going to automatically like them. My therapist had to give me a list called “Adult Pleasant Events,” to get me started, because I felt so lost when it came to this I had no idea where to start. She wanted me to really concentrate on this over this week for next week’s session. I was trying to put this off because of the way it made me feel in therapy, kind of like putting off homework for school till the last possible minute. It wasn’t till today when I was in the middle of my movie that I realized all week since my session I had subconsciously been doing it, looking for things that made me happy.
Here’s what I can say makes me happy so far:
- Peanut butter cookies – the good kind, that melt in your mouth when you eat them. They’re basic (not chocolate, which I’m allergic to, but still, basic), so they say home, and made with love, and mom – even if I bought them at the store.
- Jigsaw Puzzles – I’m good at them. Edges first, them the middle. I use to do the old fashion ones, that came in a box when I was little. It was something I could do on my own while drowning out the rest of the world and at the end I would have a beautiful picture. Now I do them on my tablet which allows for variety, plus I can time myself, change the number of pieces, and I don’t have to worry about storage. So I still get to drown out the world, test my mind and I get the pretty picture at the end.
- Romance movies – they are cheesy, unrealistic, and usually badly acted. All reason I should hate them, but I don’t. With my parents away again seeing my sister, I’ve been indulging in some guilty pleasure. Harlequin (yes as in the books) had a series of movies in the 80’s-90’s. I’ve only watched a couple so far, but the men……yummy! And they all end up taking off their shirts, at least, one time during the movie. Today’s man was BUILT. So I really don’t care the the story would never happen, the actors are horrible and that I don’t really believe that there is such a thing as love at first sight. I enjoy the very fact that they are so unreal.
- Sewing – I remembered that I like to make my own clothes. I use to do it a lot. So I went and looked at patterns and material yesterday. It was fun, looking at things you can make, trying to find just the right pattern. Then getting the material. I love the feel of fabric. Then there is choosing the type – cotton, linen, polyester, knit, satin, silk, etc. The comes the colors and designs. I ended with a simple dress pattern, since it been a while since I’ve made anything. It’s long, flowing, v-neck with a tie in the back. I found this material that I just fell in love with (I think it was speaking to Becca and Lola, since it’s so wild), pink, purple, orange and yellow print. But it’s fun and I already know where I want to wear it.
Look at me, I’ve found four things that make me happy and bring me joy. I thought I would hit next week’s session with my therapist and not even be able to come up with one thing.