Since surgery I have been hitting brick walls all over the place. Everything thing is bricked up – emotions, feeling, the outside world, even my alters. Right now I’m living in this environment in which walls just keep going up till I feel like I’ve been enclosed in them, kind of like a bizarre game of Tetris. At first I didn’t notice them but, then they are started to get suffocating. As I started looking around and watching all these walls go up, I started getting peaks of him, a man laying brick. There he sits adding cement to one layer of brick after other until nothing gets through. This isn’t really a new personality, because he has no personality. He just has a job – bricking out the outside world or anything else that I don’t or can’t deal with. I know that I am only 2 weeks post-op and I still have 4 weeks to go, but I can feel reality slipping away.
I think what started all of this was the realization that while, yes I did this surgery for health reason, it wasn’t the only reason. I’m not even sure if it was the main reason any more. Ever since my sister and my cousin had babies something snapped in me. Suddenly I could hear my biological clock ticking, I wanted a baby, I wanted to steal one of their babies. Suddenly I had this overwhelming need to nurse a child – any child that was crying. I keep having nightmares that my baby was out there somewhere crying for me, waiting for me, wanting me. I keep flashing back to high school when all the kids and teachers would ask what I wanted to be when I grow up and instead of answers like a lawyer, or a doctor, or a writer; out would pop a “mother”. I think part of me had this surgery to put an end to that wish/dream once and for all, before I did something stupid. As messed up as I am and as messed up as my mother and her illness left her and me, logically I would never want to pass on that to my child. I would never want to have a child that I could hurt (even unintentionally) as badly as I have been hurt by neglect and the other fall out that comes with having a dissociative disorder and alters.
Now the brick layer is trying his hardest to keep repairing the wall around this secret even though it is crumpling as fast as he is putting it up. So now he’s trying to brick up/out EVERYTHING!
I don’t even know if I’m making any sense here. Even to me, I sound more crazy than normal.