Today I needed this – thanks Boggle The Owl. It may not have been writen especially for me but it felt like it was. I’m totally freaking out because I’m having surgery on Friday, and I have no one to freak out to. I am having a hysterectomy something I have been begging my doctors for, for the last 15 years. I have Endometriosis so bad, that it has become debilitating. I have tried everything and for the last year I have basically been drugging myself unconscious with muscle relaxers and pain meds. The doctor who finally said yes was my last hope, and I went in fully expecting to be told no again, because I’m still in my thirties. When he said yes I cried, something I never do. I also hardly ever see male doctors, especially for my female issues. This shows how desperate I had become to have broken down and saw a male doctor. So now I’m freaking out about the surgery and all the things that can go bad/wrong. And I keep trying to say the sayings my new therapist gave me to keep me calm – things like:
I’ll cross that bridge when I get there, whatever it is.
I will be present for what is happening today, tomorrow will take care of its self.
I can’t control what hasn’t happened yet.
It’s ok to let others take control when I can’t.
I can’t control everything no matter how hard I try.
They are not working and I’m still freaking.
My mother has already made this all about her and how she has to cut her vacation short to take care of me, plus she has a bunch of questions that she didn’t get to ask the doctor and why can I put it off for at least another week. The whole point of doing it now was so that I wouldn’t have to continue being in pain any longer then I have to. Part of me doesn’t want my mother home because, let’s face it, she has a pretty crappy track record caring for me in the past, but at the same time I really can’t see my father doing it. He’s been going around for the last week and half pretending that nothing is going on, so basically operation normal for him. Then there is the recovery time and being defendant on anyone, something I hate. I can’t do anything much for at least two weeks and it can take up to six before I can drive. Being able to get in my car and go for a drive when things are hard is my relief. How the hell am I going to make it through 24-7 for the next six weeks of my parents. The only thing that could make it worse was if my sister was here.
So I saw this post on blanket forts and I remembered how I use to love them as a kid. I could hide out in there for ages and be in a whole different world so now I’m trying to figure out how to make one around my bed for when I get home. The sayings didn’t work but the thought of a blanket fort has mellowed me out.