NO Without Justification

So after our talk on anger my therapist decided that I need  to work on saying “NO” without trying to justify it. This is hard for me. I can say “no” but I always feel like I have to giveno-sticky-note a reason why I am. To just say “NO” feel like leaving the conversation hanging. But she went on to point out that by trying to justify why I’m saying no allows the other person to ammo to use to talk me around to saying “yes”.

This one is going to take a lot of practice. Even when I try practicing it in my head I can feel the pull to say “no I can’t do that because….” If I can’t even do it in my make-believe mind scenarios how am I ever going to do it in real life.

So why is NO such a hard thing for me.  There have to be reasons, lets see if figuring out what they are will help with being able to get past the wall they create in my mind to saying the word “NO”.

Why saying NO is hard for me:

  1. I’m a caretaker. Helping is what I do. It makes me feel needed when some else needs me.
  2. I have a fear of making people mad at me by saying “NO”. I don’t want to make them feel like I am not worth having around, so I say “yes” to keep people in my life.
  3. I don’t want to seem rude, mean or uncaring.
  4. Saying “no” usually leads to people trying to change that NO to a YES. Its just easier to say yes to begin with, then to fight for what I want/need only to lose and end up doing it anyway. That way you skip the confrontation.
  5. I don’t like to say no because some people take reject badly. If I say no this time maybe they won’t ask me again, next when I am able to do it. I don’t want to miss out on something just because I said no, when if it had been another time it would have been yes.

Basically comes down to what others will think of me, so I sacrifice myself for the sake of them and most of the time they don’t know it, appreciate it, or care.

I’ve started a Sticky note wall with all the things I need to remember. Today I am adding “YOU CAN SAY NO WITHOUT HAVING TO JUSTIFY IT!” It’s going right next to Saying NO is a way of taking care of yourself” and “Taking care of yourself is a way of taking care of others.” Soon I’ll have no place left on my mirror closet doors, Oh well, I didn’t really want to look in the mirror anyways. 🙂

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