Yesterday my therapist and I got to talking about all the anger that seems to be over-flowing from me, and
she said something that made me stop and think. She said “I don’t think of you as an angry person, or someone who is angry because they like to be. I think you’re angry because it is the strongest emotion and because you don’t feel safe enough or variable enough to feel anything else.”
It’s true I don’t like being angry just for the sake of it. The issue is that I can’t be anything else in a family that doesn’t SEE. We talked a lot about how my family is effecting me and my progress. I know that they are a chain around my neck pulling me down. I hate it, I hate thinking of them that way and I wish for change, but right now I am stuck being dependent on them.
The last two weeks of dog-sitting/being gone have been good because I got time to stand back and figure out what I want and need. Peace – not just quiet, which I can get in the middle of the night – but peace – a state of tranquility, serenity. A time to feel some beside anger, like dare we wish it, maybe even happy.