Wanting What I Know I’ll Never Have

Every since flipping out and almost doing a strip tease in front of a couple thousand church-goers, I have been trying to process the trigger behind the episode. And I’ve come to the realization that I want something I’m never going to have – A Mother! Or at least one that cares enough to be there for me. I feel like I’m continually crying out for her and she is either not there or doing all the wrong things. I feel like a crying baby that wants something but can’t express what those needs or wants are, and instead of trying to fix what is wrong my mother is just trying to shut me up so she ignores me or she smothers me with a figurative pillow.

I’m not asking for all that much, at least in my mind, but it seem like even that she can’t give me. I know that understanding DDNOS is hard, especially for someone who has it but won’t admit. I know that she thinks that mostly there is nothing wrong with me, which is leading my alters to do more and more insane things to get attention. I know that my uncle and my cousin’s Schizophrenia seem like a more pressing disease, but how many times do I have to say I’m drowning, going under and not or barely coming up before I even get noticed.

Today I really needed help. My health insurance has decided to no longer cover my Klonopin. The medicine that makes my life livable, the medicine that allows me to leave the house without screaming and having a panic attack, so basically my lifeline. Today I could have used my mother’s help to do what she’s done a million times for my cousin – advocate and navigate the health care system for me, so I can get this medicine. I even plainly told her this, but she was too busy cleaning out her parents house. I wanted to scream, I wanted to burn the f…ing place down, I wanted to do something, anything! What I ended up doing is trying to get my medicine back, myself. Not sure yet on that but, we’ll see. Afterwards I was so stressed out I went to sleep for six hours, only to be awakened by my father wanting to know where mom was and where his dinner was.

It was after five and my mom was still over at my grandparents, when I called her she was like oh, what time is it? Then she said she was coming and the wait started. All the time I had to listen to my father b…h, which I was in no mood to handle. Thirty minute passed, still no mom (the place is five minutes from our house), so I called again. That’s right she hadn’t left yet, and she started making noise about me cooking. I was so incensed that I hung up on her. Ten minutes later she calls back with ask your dad what he wants to eat and call me back and I’ll pick it up when I leave here. I hung up again and left the house. I am not their go between. They can figure dinner and everything else on their own. For now I’m going to enjoy what may be one of my last days outside the house, if my medicine doesn’t come through.

Really is it to much to ask for someone to be on my side, fighting for me. I guess in my family it is! I don’t even want to think about the company we will be having in the next two mouths (my dreaded cousin and his family, followed by my sister and her family) without my medicine.


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