Above and Beyond Crazy!

The alters are getting stronger I can feel the little hold I had on them slipping through my fingers like flowing water. For weeks now my mother has been bringing up the religious convention that was this weekend, not really trying to get me to go, but making me feel guilty because I wasn’t. To please her, I know I shouldn’t but sometimes it’s just easier to give in, I said I would go on Saturday. Plus it keeps Genevieve and Peter happy if I do some things spiritual/religious. The first half of the day when off without a hitch, but by afternoon I was starting to feel the anxiety raising. I popped more medicine and tried some music to mellow me out during lunch. By the time the afternoon sessions, started I thought that, that had done it, and I’d be fine. I’ve never been so wrong. About 15 minutes in the compulsion to scream started, which made me have to get up and out. ridertakingoffshirtBy the time I got alone and outside I noticed the rain, that’s when Kit and Lola started to burst out like a bad song and dance number in the middle of a drama. There I was sitting on a wooden bench under the overhang trying my hardest to keep Kit from running out to play in the rain while Lola wanted to strip me down. I really felt like I was battling them, trying to hold them in but for the first time in a long time I was losing. I had to get myself back inside and into a bathroom stall before I lost all control and did something embarrassing in front of people. By the time I got myself locked in a bathroom stall, Lola was in complete control and stripping off my top, followed by my shoes and I’m sure my skirt would have been next if the voices of some women checking the supplies hadn’t snapped me back. Needless to say I was mortified; I would never take off my top in public, even in a public bathroom, let alone anything else. I’m just glad I made it to the bathroom stall before they came off. From what I was feeling from Lola I think she would have been much happy with a public striptease. I’ve never felt this out of control of my alters before. I’ve had them try to push me into doing things, I’ve had them beg and plead for things, but I’ve never had them just take over and do something without my permission. It’s scary and crazy feeling and so out of control. It makes me scared to go ANYWHERE for fear of what they may compel me to do next.

I finally got myself back together and back into my clothes. I got the keys and went and sat in the car for the rest of the afternoon. Actually I went and slept in the car for 2 1/2 hours. I was so totally drained by this all. My mother wanted to know what happened and she started with all this stuff about how I was fine all morning and I talked to people and she keep going on and on and wouldn’t let it go. So I told her that my alters came out to play and I couldn’t stop their compulsions. That shut her up so quick you would have thought she’d turned to stone. Now she’s trying to brush it off as if I was coming down with a cold or something. After all she can’t admit her own alters; there is no way she is going to admit to mine. It isn’t the picture of the perfect family she is trying to pass off. I did tell her that the rest of the convention was off and to not bring it up again. She started to make some noise, but then she shut up.

While I’m never truly alone with all of them running around in my head, right now I feel like the most alone person on the planet because I have no one I can talk to about this that understands. It’s like being invaded.

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3 thoughts on “Above and Beyond Crazy!

  1. That sounds really scary, to feel so helpless. My greatest hope for you is to get out of your house, even for a week, a month, whatever amount of time, and to get some consistent mental and emotional support. Two things I suggest (not telling you what to do, I know you hate that!) are joining an online support group for survivors of child abuse… There are people out there going though the same things as you and hearing their stories and feeling less alone may be the support you need at home. Second piece of advice, when you can, as soon as you can, check into in-treatment. You won’t ever find “the perfect” facility or “the perfect doctor” (perfect is a four letter word in my opinion), but you can still find compassion, care and understanding of what you FEEL. You are worth of this Rose! I hope you remember your worth! I love you.

  2. I just wrote this and need to share with you:
    I think about you a lot, cousin. I worry every day. I fear for your safety. I am afraid you will commit suicide or will have a severe mental/emotional breakdown and will be committed to an institution. I know I cannot change you. I cannot make you see the potential of a new and better life. The more uncomfortable you are, the more tormented, tortured, ignored, splitting apart (your alters GROWING in all different directions as ways for you to express what is left unspoken every day at home)… The further you seem to go away. Sailing away. Oh sweet cousin, how I wish I could be your harbor, your savior! Oh cousin, the one who spent all those afternoons brushing and braiding my hair. I see now how and why we needed each other. We ran to fantasy through the doorways of movies, books and songs. We hid from our seperate realities together. The invisible girls. Ghosts in our own homes. Two Persephones longing for the embrace of our mothers. Oh sweet cousin! I wish I could be your Demeter, your loving mother. I wish I could rock you in my arms, make you feel loved. I love you, cousin, as dear to me as a sister! All these years I’ve been moving here and there. All over the outer and inner worlds. And you are still there. Splitting apart. I wish I could be your doctor. That I could mend you with tinctures and bandages. Put you securely together. It would be worth the effort, worth the time. How I wish I could do this for you, sweet cousin. I feel you every day. Vicarious pain. I am not there, but I am with you, my dear. Even all the way over here. I am with you. All of these conflicting characters inside of you, all these pieces make up one you. You are whole. You are WHOLE. Please cousin, listen to your heart. You are whole. You know. Deep down, there is that spark, and you know. I wish I could make it all better for you, cousin. To take the burden of all you feel responsible for off of your shoulders. I would if I could give you peace and a knowing of your supreme goodness and worth. You deserve to feel happiness every day! You are deserving. Please, sweet cousin, be courageous. Have faith in yourself. Please, my dear. I worry about you. I love you.

  3. hello phoenix….im just a follower of your blog; I’ve commented in the past, and it’s been awhile since I’ve visited…I just had to write to encourage you….when you say you felt all alone, wow, I can feel your despair …when we feel alone and as if no one understands us or cares about what we are dealing with, it is a very lonely place that leads one to despair….but what a testimony to your spirit! You just keep going, and you keep writing, and you keep GIVING….I’ve told you this once before, and I will say it again…your story and all the suffering you muddle through, is being read by Lord knows how many people, and paving a pathway of hope for them, and light in their particular darkness….DON”T GIVE UP….not to get all religious on you, but God is with you….I know how you feel when you say you trust God but you are also angry at Him because I have felt that way many times in my life….One particular statement you made in your blog has helped me personally, as if one of the missing pieces of my life’s puzzle has been found. You said “After all she can’t admit her own alters; there is no way she is going to admit to mine…” when referring to your mother. That made me realize that all my life my mother would not admit to her issues, and lived in denial that anything was wrong, and hated me because I was the child that rebelled and brought those issues out into the open. Well, that makes sense now….if someone won’t admit to their own issues, they certainly won’t help me with mine, even if it is my own mother!! I never had much of a mother myself growing up. She is still alive, but I am in my 50’s now, and she tries to comfort me at times, but I realize I don’t want her love, it’s too late. I am learning to re-parent MYSELF, to give myself all that love. On another post you wrote how you felt like a crying baby whose mother ignored her needs. Well, that is true! I felt the same way last week, so I pretended in my mind to go back and see my little infant self, and saw myself comforting and holding and swaddling myself….sounds crazy I know….I even went into my old bedroom where my crib was 52 years ago…It kinda helped me. My hope for you is that you will find that source of love within yourself to stop expecting and hoping for love from your parents that they are NOT capable of giving you, and you will begin to love yourself. Its sound crazy but I think it is the only way out, besides Gods love. You can’t draw blood from a rock. You probably won’t get love from your mother like you want, and even if she gave it to you now, do you really want it? I hope I didn’t offend you or hurt your feelings by saying this, I am trying to encourage you. Anyway, I think you are awesome and YOU SHINE!!!!!!

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