The alters are getting stronger I can feel the little hold I had on them slipping through my fingers like flowing water. For weeks now my mother has been bringing up the religious convention that was this weekend, not really trying to get me to go, but making me feel guilty because I wasn’t. To please her, I know I shouldn’t but sometimes it’s just easier to give in, I said I would go on Saturday. Plus it keeps Genevieve and Peter happy if I do some things spiritual/religious. The first half of the day when off without a hitch, but by afternoon I was starting to feel the anxiety raising. I popped more medicine and tried some music to mellow me out during lunch. By the time the afternoon sessions, started I thought that, that had done it, and I’d be fine. I’ve never been so wrong. About 15 minutes in the compulsion to scream started, which made me have to get up and out. By the time I got alone and outside I noticed the rain, that’s when Kit and Lola started to burst out like a bad song and dance number in the middle of a drama. There I was sitting on a wooden bench under the overhang trying my hardest to keep Kit from running out to play in the rain while Lola wanted to strip me down. I really felt like I was battling them, trying to hold them in but for the first time in a long time I was losing. I had to get myself back inside and into a bathroom stall before I lost all control and did something embarrassing in front of people. By the time I got myself locked in a bathroom stall, Lola was in complete control and stripping off my top, followed by my shoes and I’m sure my skirt would have been next if the voices of some women checking the supplies hadn’t snapped me back. Needless to say I was mortified; I would never take off my top in public, even in a public bathroom, let alone anything else. I’m just glad I made it to the bathroom stall before they came off. From what I was feeling from Lola I think she would have been much happy with a public striptease. I’ve never felt this out of control of my alters before. I’ve had them try to push me into doing things, I’ve had them beg and plead for things, but I’ve never had them just take over and do something without my permission. It’s scary and crazy feeling and so out of control. It makes me scared to go ANYWHERE for fear of what they may compel me to do next.
I finally got myself back together and back into my clothes. I got the keys and went and sat in the car for the rest of the afternoon. Actually I went and slept in the car for 2 1/2 hours. I was so totally drained by this all. My mother wanted to know what happened and she started with all this stuff about how I was fine all morning and I talked to people and she keep going on and on and wouldn’t let it go. So I told her that my alters came out to play and I couldn’t stop their compulsions. That shut her up so quick you would have thought she’d turned to stone. Now she’s trying to brush it off as if I was coming down with a cold or something. After all she can’t admit her own alters; there is no way she is going to admit to mine. It isn’t the picture of the perfect family she is trying to pass off. I did tell her that the rest of the convention was off and to not bring it up again. She started to make some noise, but then she shut up.
While I’m never truly alone with all of them running around in my head, right now I feel like the most alone person on the planet because I have no one I can talk to about this that understands. It’s like being invaded.