I haven’t written in a while because I don’t know …. Anything! I’m so confused about everything I’m not ever sure how to express it. I’ve been spending a lot of time switching between my alters which has left me on some pretty shaky ground. Sonja been up a lot and she is angry and wanting to fight with everyone. Lola is on a new kick – she wants a man. She’s pushing for one hard. Kit keeps popping out and all she wants is her mother and to be loved and taken care of, the problem is that I really don’t feeling like I have a mother, most of the time, at least not one that can give me what I need. The only person that really made me feel loved and cared for is dead, and it is coming up on the one year anniversary of her death. Which has me sad and depressed. Added to this I keep having these horrible nightmares about killing my dog, (not putting him to sleep because he is old and sick, but stabbing him with a butcher knife while holding in my arms). These dreams are tearing me apart because he is the only thing left that loves me unconditionally, and they feels so real I wake up in a panic attack.
Last week’s therapy session didn’t do much to help me, either. If anything it screwed me up more. It is time I make a break with the therapist that is treating me because she has her ideas on things like where I should be and the progress I need to be making and what will “fix” me. But they are not what I need at all. She used an illustration of me being in a pit, she doesn’t want to jump in there with me because, in her mind, then we would both be stuck. Instead she wants to give me a rope and pull me out. Going with her illustration, there is a reason I’m in the pit in the first place, if we don’t figure out what that is then how am I going to avoid ending right back in the pit. Second, I’m not strong enough (emotionally) to pull my self out of the pit using the rope. Third, I don’t have the confidence in her to allow her to try to pull me out. What if she can’t hold on ( doesn’t have the experience needed to help me) and lets go or drops me? I could be hurt even worse then I am now. Fourth, like I told her the rope she has given me is greased, even if I wanted to I couldn’t hold on. It seems smarter to me to slowly push the dirt back in the pit so that it fills up and then I can get out, because there is no longer any pit.
Basically I want to find the answers to my problems instead of finding quick fixes for the symptoms. I can’t use her little cartoon band-aids for the big deep, gaping wounds that I have, I need stitches, medicine, bandages, and some one who is skilled in using them.
This has me all in a tail-spin because I really don’t want to start all over with a new therapist, but this is the third time issues have come up with her and her treatment or more accurately non-treatment methods and I just don’t need to be wasting my time anymore, in a hope that I won’t have to deal with, change and new and trusting some else.
So basically I feel needy, confused, depress, and a desire to remove myself from the world. I think the picture really says it all.