I don’t know it anyone else has this problem, but I hate having a good day or days. As great as they can be, I constantly feel like I’m holding my breath, waiting. Waiting for a trigger, waiting for the depression to come back like a black rain cloud, waiting for the pain to start again. Having a good day or a couple of them is so rare that they are almost unheard of, so when they do happen, I don’t know what to do. I know that I should be enjoying them, but I don’t seem to know how without feeling like I’m waiting for the bad to come back again.
Good days scare me, because they give me HOPE. Hope that maybe the rest of my life will not be bad, hope that the worst is over, hope that maybe I’m not completely broken. I hate to start believing in this hope because I know that the other shoe will drop and that hope with disappear as quickly as it came. For the most part I have come to accept my life for what it is: I have mental health issues, I have physical health issue, I have all these problems but they are my problems. I am use to them, I know what they are and what they can do to me. But when that starts to change and you get these good days thrown in, everything changes. I no longer know where I stand or how to deal.
And now I feel like I sound pathetic because I am complaining that I’ve been having some good days and all they make me want to do is run and hide. I should be happy that I’m getting these days, but I can’t seem to appreciate something that is so foreign to me.
This should feel like a gift, but all it feels like is a burden. When my family or friends see me having a good day, they start to think that I’m all better and now I can move on with my life. How do I explain that having a good day doesn’t mean that I am “fixed”, it just means that today everything isn’t battering me so hard that I can’t function. This is getting harder for them to understand when I have 2 or 3 day in a row that are good. They start to question why I can’t be like that all the time. To them it seems that I choose to be that way I am, so why can’t I choose to have good day instead of bad, sad, depressed days. Like I have control over it and I am choosing to feel horrible. Seriously! Do you really think if I had a choice, I choose pain and depression over no pain and being happy?