Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop

Afraid to be happyI don’t know it anyone else has this problem, but I hate having a good day or days.  As great as they can be, I constantly feel like I’m holding my breath, waiting. Waiting for a trigger, waiting for the depression to come back like a black rain cloud, waiting for the pain to start again. Having a good day or a couple of them is so rare that they are almost unheard of, so when they do happen, I don’t know what to do. I know that I should be enjoying them, but I don’t seem to know how without feeling like I’m waiting for the bad to come back again.

Good days scare me, because they give me HOPE. Hope that maybe the rest of my life will not be bad, hope that the worst is over, hope that maybe I’m not completely broken. I hate to start believing in this hope because I know that the other shoe will drop and that hope with disappear as quickly as it came. For the most part I have come to accept my life for what it is: I have mental health issues, I have physical health issue, I have all these problems but they are my problems. I am use to them, I know what they are and what they can do to me. But when that starts to change and you get these good days thrown in, everything changes. I no longer know where I stand or how to deal.

And now I feel like I sound pathetic because I am complaining that I’ve been having some good days and all they make me want to do is run and hide. I should be happy that I’m getting these days, but I can’t seem to appreciate something that is so foreign to me.

This should feel like a gift, but all it feels like is a burden. When my family or friends see me having a good day, they start to think that I’m all better and now I can move on with my life. How do I explain that having a good day doesn’t mean that I am “fixed”, it just means that today everything isn’t battering me so hard that I can’t function. This is getting harder for them to understand when I have 2 or 3 day in a row that are good. They start to question why I can’t be like that all the time. To them it seems that I choose to be that way I am, so why can’t I choose to have good day instead of bad, sad, depressed days. Like I have control over it and I am choosing to feel horrible. Seriously! Do you really think if I had a choice, I choose pain and depression over no pain and being happy?


4 thoughts on “Waiting For The Other Shoe To Drop

  1. I can relate so much to this, and it is a big part of the reason I prefer solitude. Being around people on a good day, or even on a not-so-good day, on which I have forced myself to be around people, seems only to set me up to feel judged. I don’t know if people mean well or not, but the world seems to have a difficult time understanding, when I miss consecutive social functions. I often hear, “But just the other day you seemed good!” I want to scream, “Well Maybe I was and maybe I was faking it. I can’t tell you because I’ve already forgotten. But tell me what today has to do with how I felt a few days ago?” It exhausts me just writing about it.

    • I know all about faking it and people and their insensentive comments. The ones that make me want to scream the most are:
      “But you look so good!” or “You don’t look sick.” Or my all time favorite “Your so young, you don’t know what it is to be in pain, ill, or depressed till you get old.” Or course it doesn’t help that I look 5 to 10 years younger then I really am.

      • You are so right. I get all three of those. Lol! Some of my personal faves:
        “You need a (insert a variety of ridiculous suggestions) boyfriend, vacation, kitten, puppy, job, to exercise, a new therapist, your old therapist, patience, to lose weight, more sleep, less sleep.”
        “I got you this gratitude journal. When I had a bout of depression it helped me keep things in perspective. You have so much to be grateful for.”
        “You should just come with us. Getting out will make you feel better”
        “Maybe you are just tired”
        “Take a shower or hot bath. It always helps me.”
        “Have you tried – SamE, melatonin, St. John’s wort, B12, blah,blah,blah?”
        “You should stop spending so much time on your computer. Go outside. Move more!”
        “Don’t worry. You are only 45. You have an entire lifetime before you” (please don’t remind me)
        “Maybe if you didn’t focus on it so much. It seems like you let it consume you.”
        My all time fave – “You should have a kid. Then you wouldn’t even have time to think about all of this stuff.” I couldn’t keep my mouth shut on that one.
        Then of course, there are others whose silence and sideways glances are louder and more insensitive than all of the above combined. You wrote somewhere (and I prob won’t get it exactly correct) that it would be nice if loved ones would just listen and not try to fix things, and if therapists would fix things, rather than just listen. I loved that.

      • I get all those TOO. I think that we should pass out list of things people are NOT allowed to say to us.

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