Men, Liars and Idiots

Where to start? This last weekend I had “doubting Thomas” visiting again (read this post). I warned before he came that mom and I were dieting (boy, do I hate that word, wish there was some other liarword I could use) and to not expect a lot of junk in the house. This got him started on how I would need a stick to keep the guys away. And I flippantly said “who says I want to!” Which got him started on how he thought I hated men.

I’ve been thinking about that comment a lot – do I hate men? I don’t think so, but maybe I have been putting off that vibe for a while now. I know that since “I-Need-A-Shoulder Greg” I haven’t really let myself get involve with anyone. I have guys that are friends but I’ve kept them all at arms length. So while I’m sure I don’t hate men, I’m also sure that the wall (both figuratively and physically with my weight) have kept them away. Now I’m thinking about stepping back out into the world of men and (scary) dating. Becca and Lola have really been pushing for this move. They want a man in their live to love them. The rest of me is scared to death of the thought and the problems this will bring, but they don’t want to let go.

Anyway back to Thomas, he decided to come up for the weekend from Miami to stay with us before going back North. This was a big mistake, for me to have invited him this weekend of all weekends. Our church was having a dressy dinner/dance and Becca was out full force. All she wanted to do was dance, dance, dance. The music started at 6:30 and went till 10:00, and the only songs Becca didn’t feel the need to dance to were the two slow songs, everything else was fair game. She probably would have dance to the slow ones too, but no one asked her and she didn’t want to start mouths wagging.

By the time the party started, I had already had my first big problem with Thomas in that I caught him lying to me, and a stupid lie at that. I don’t know what made me madder that he lied to me or that he thought I was stupid enough to believe his lie. It was one of the worst lies I have ever heard. If you’re going to lie at least make it good, don’t insult my intelligence. I have a HUGE problem with lying. I think it has something to do with the fact that most of my life has been a series of lies that cover up things like incest, rape, child abuse – sexually, emotionally & physically. I can’t tolerate even the smallest lies. The other thing is people are alway underestimating me and how smart I am. I don’t want to sound like I am bragging but I scored in the 160’s on the iq test, added to that my survival – street smarts and I am very formidable intellectually. So when you underestimate that and try to play me for a fool, I get … Inflamed.

Thomas tried to spend the party trying to cool my inflamed angry, but I wanted none of that. I didn’t feel guilty for once that someone else was paying for what they did and were miserable. I didn’t feel like I had to forgive him so that he could have a good time, while I swallowed my anger. Instead I had the good time and let him stew in his own misery. By the next day I had mostly let it go because it is hard for me to hold on to things like being mad at stupid people. This would have been the end of it too, except he pull the same thing on Monday.

We had plans, when I got up he wasn’t home, but mom said he said he’d be right back. When I called him, he said he couldn’t talk and hung up on me. At this point, I’d had enough and I ignored his call when he did call back. When he came home at 5pm, he again tried to lie to me about where he was, but I already knew the truth and was done with him and his games. I just wanted him gone. I guess he got the message because he was gone come morning.

He’s called since trying to make up, but all he keeps saying is he’s sorry he did something that made me mad. What he doesn’t get is that it was the lying that was what made me so upset not what he did. I HATE TO BE LIED TO.

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3 thoughts on “Men, Liars and Idiots

  1. Good for you! Standing up for yourself! Thomas is a flake! You are soooo conditioned to caretake, and tolerate shitty behavior from others, after all, your monster abuser taught you that….well, now it is time to STAND UP FOR YOURSELF, and you are!! You seem to attract these pussy-type men that need “mothering” so you become somewhat their mother, or caretaker, or go-to girl. Forget it! You deserve better. Mother yourself. Become SELFISH. I know that goes against your upbringing and religion, but remember Jesus said “Love others AS you love yourself” Well, girl, you don’t love yourself properly so you have no business offering love to anyone else! And the guys that you attract are broken, and users, and big babies!! Time to pamper yourself, be selfish, because until you are somewhat whole, you won’t feel comfortable around a healthy guy. Believe me, I know, I did it for years. You are TOO hard on yourself. The book “Compassion and Self-Hate” by Theodore I Rubin is a great book. Also, I wonder if your nightmare where you dream of killing your beloved dog, is a subconscious part of self-hatred. I mean, consciously, you LOVE that dog, he is your best friend, and life line. So why would you want to kill it? Even that part of you that is self-hatred deserves to be loved, and understood, and spoken kindly to. Of course we hate ourselves! We were treated like shit by our abusers! But we can overcome even that too, with deep compassion on ourselves. You don’t need to spend your compassion on stupid men who want you to pity them, or caretake them. Spend your compassion on YOU! Then you will attract a man who is capable of true love. I didn’t feel that I DESERVED real love, so I put up with stupid men cuz deep down that’s all I was comfortable with. I say, keep dating men, but don’t get serious with any of them. You will learn a lot. You will get tired of their games, and lies, and you will start standing up for yourself more and more, like you did with this Thomas idiot. Use the energy of adversity as the fuel to propel you onto better things in your life!!

    • There is this quote from the movie “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” that I think about it all the time: “Charlie: Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?

      Bill: We accept the love we think we deserve.

      Charlie: Can we make them know they deserve more?

      Bill: We can try.”

      For many years I have been accepting the love I thought I deserved which was really not love at all. I’m starting to realize that I deserve more that what I’ve been getting. I deserve to be loved not for what I can give to others but for who I am. This movie was a teen movie and it was hard (triggering) in spots but it was also very freeing.

      I still having a hard time with my love for my dog because it scary to love something that you can lose. I think part of the dreams are me trying not to be so dependent on something else for love, but then I look at my dog and I can’t help but love him. He’s crazy, and sweet, and my baby.

  2. oh that makes so much sense, yes, about the dreams and your dog….to love something that you could possibly lose would be painful at the time of loss. But dogs are truly man’s best friend, so it’s safe to love them cuz they love us back so unconditionally, and the joy of loving them and having them love us back is worth the pain at the time of loss. I saw a PBS special on dogs, it was a week-long series I think, and boy did it make me realize how dogs are truly our best buds!

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