To combat the compulsive eating, and lose the 75 lbs that I’ve put on in the last year(as it was I was already over-weight so this gain was not good), I’ve started a diet. I hate that word because it really means not being able to eat what I love – carbs. For now it veggies, some fruit and protein, protein, protein (I’m not much of a meat eater, but that is all the doctor wants me eating for protein right now). I’m also giving up Coke-a-Cola. This is soooo hard, Coke is like a drug to me. I’m having the mother of all withdrawals; which I’m trying to combat with tea (no sugar, no cream = yuck). I’m also trying to up my water to between 8-10 glasses, which means I’m looking for a bathroom every hour.
As if this wasn’t enough to deal with, my mother has decided to be my diet buddy. I thought I wanted to yell at her before, but this has put a whole new meaning to ” killing me with kindness”. All though what my mother is doing may seem like kindness and support to her, it basically comes down to me trying to stick to this diet, while trying to keep her on it too. All the while she is bitching and moaning about it. I am at the point where I want to tell her to shove it. I can only be my own diet buddy, because she is making me want to binge, she’s stressing me out so bad and I’ve only been on this diet three days. It’s like she is trying to make me fail. It makes me wonder if she sub-consciously doesn’t want me to lose the weight. This may sound crazy but I feel like as long as I have the weight issues, health issues, and mental issues she has me. Because of them I’m not getting a life of my own, and she has someone to share her miserable life with. She has already lost my sister( the one she was closest to), so now she is trying extra hard to keep me from escaping too. Boy, does that sound sick and just a little insane. But I feel like every time I try to move in a direction that may free me from this life, she is pulling me back even closer. Oh, f@&$! I’m not even sure where that came from, but it makes me feel ill. I think I need to process this, NOT sure how I feel about having these thoughts or which one of my personalities is bring them up, but it’s a lot to handle to realize that this diet has trigger this.