Friend or Foe

Have you ever had someone look at you and feel like they can read all the way to your soul, into places even you can’t or won’t look? It’s a very disconcerting feeling. Yesterday, I went in for the blood work that my mom wanted me to do so that I can start the alternative medicine program she thinks will work for me. The whole experience was a disaster. First, there is my phobia of new doctors, which gave me high blood pressure. Then there was my phobia of new people. And last but not least, is my phobia of needles and getting my blood drawn.

But that isn’t want really set me off, there was this woman, who took all my information. Before I knew it I was saying things to her, I don’t say to anyone, especially some one I’ve just meet. She keep looking at me and the more she looked the more I spilled. Usually I am pretty up front with my doctors about my abuse, because I feel that it will help them treat whatever is going on with me better, but I don’t usually go into detail. I usually just tell them that I have a history of sexually child abuse, that’s it. It effects my body just like surgeries or alcohol or all those other things they ask you on the pages that you fill out about your medical history, so I think its important for them to know.
This was different, I almost felt like I was hypnotized or bewitched, or something because I’d look at this woman and all this stuff just came pouring out. I could feel myself dissociating and I keep trying to bring myself back to the present. I think she realized what was happening because she took a hold of my hands to try to anchor me, and I had two overwhelming feelings come up at once.
The first was “Finally! Someone really gets me.” and the other was to slap the B@&$!?
Now I don’t know what to do because I don’t want to go back to get the results of my blood work, because this woman has me spinning.
Parts of me feel like we have found a kindred spirit and other parts of me are scared to death that this person has bewitched in some way. It has taken me all week just to write this post and it isn’t even that long. It has me so unsettled.

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2 thoughts on “Friend or Foe

  1. wow…you are SOOO AUTHENTIC!! You are so honest, and transparent, and when you write, it is as if you say all the things that other people probably feel but can’t put into words. I have felt so exposed many times like you did with that lady at the doctor’s office. I felt happy that someone finally understood me, but also unsettled because I was vulnerable and exposed myself to them and now they might reject me or take advantage of me. I realized it was my deep rooted sense of SHAME. Abused children have a legacy of SHAME. Your entire childhood was derailed by your abuse. So now your adulthood unfortunately has to be spent mending the broken aspects of your self that were not developed properly. But we humans do not live in a vacuum, and I KNOW that your suffering back then and now DOES have a purpose. Your writings are like manna to people like me!! Oh if I believed in a heaven where there were rewards, I would say you will be crowned with many fine jewels one day!! Keep up the healing work that you are giving to others! Thank you for your honesty. It makes me feel like I’m not so alone and crazy after all.

    • Thank you for the words of appreciation. I write mostly for me, but I love knowing that what I write is helping someone else.

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