What can I say, food is my friend. It never lets me down. I know that you have to eat to survive, but that is not what I do. For me, food so much more than just getting the nutrition I need to make it through the day. I eat when I’m hungry; I eat when I so full I feel like I could pop; I eat when I’m sad, depressed, angry, mad, lonely, anxious; I eat for no reason and every reason. Really and truly, I don’t need a reason to eat other than it can give me something nothing else can – it is the one thing that never fails me. It helps to fill the void inside me that nothing else can reach that place that is numb and empty and makes me feel useless and never good-enough. It’s the thing that always makes me feel better, at least for a little while.
I know that people look at me and most of them only see a fat girl, who should really go on a diet, or maybe run around the block a few times every day. And mostly that’s what I want them to see, my weight is a protection. It keeps guys from looking at me and wanting me or thinking I’m sexy. That way I don’t have to deal with what comes with being found attractive in the eyes of the opposite sex.
Then there is the part of me that wishes the world could see the real me, the one that is hidden behind the weight. I know that if they could they would see so much more then what they do now. I also know that the eating is so unhealthy for me and really would like to shed the pounds. I have tried so many different diets its funny and sad all at the same time – Weight Watchers, counting calories, low-fat, no fat, Atkins, South Beach, Vegetarian, Juice fasting, Blood type, Sonoma, just to name a few. They all end the same way I shed some weight then something happens to trigger me, and instead of dealing with the feelings that come up, I end up eating and eating and eating till I put back on all the weight plus more.
I am at the heaviest I have ever been and I no longer want to live like this. Food cannot longer be the way I cope with my feelings, because I am beginning to realize that this is just becoming a vicious cycle. I feel so badly so I eat, then I gain weight which makes me feel worse because I have no self-control, so I eat some more. Low self-esteem and the need for love and validation can no longer be filled with obsessive eating. It DOES NOT help me to forget my pain and it DOES NOT give me the affection I really want.
So you may be hearing a lot more of my winey feelings as I start to let go of food and embrace the emotions. I know I can do this.