This whole last week I have done NOTHING. My parents left to visit my sister the day after “the talk” my father and I had, which allowed me to not feel guilty about getting up and getting dressed, with them here I usually guilt myself into getting shower and dressed. But since they aren’t here I just didn’t feel the need, after the third day I did decide on a shower because I was tired of my hair being oily but then I just changed my pjs and went back to bed. To add to this I’m hormonal and have been in the worst pain so I’ve had to take more pain pills which has totally screwed up my sleeping habits, not that I have much of any to begin with but there is nothing like being wide awake at 3:30 in the morning and not being about to DO anything.
I’m feeling even more depressed because I had all these things I wanted to get done while my parents were gone and I haven’t done any of them. I know that they are going to come home and wonder what I did all week, see that it was nothing and wonder why. Which is making me even more depressed which makes me really not want to get up.
I know that I was processing the whole conversation with my father which made me go inside. Plus there’s the non-stop rain which is giving me a headache and making staying in bed seem so nice but still.
Then yesterday I get a call from my mom that yet another person that I am close to has died. I spent most of the day crying. This person was the only one at my church that was a “spiritual leader” that I felt had never let me down when it came to my abuse issues and dealing with my grandparents. He was there for me, he stood up for me and he never question that I was abused. I feel guilty because I knew that he hasn’t been doing well and I keep meaning to go see him but something else always came up and now I will not get to see him again. I feel guilty that I’m more upset about his passing then I felt about Babylon’s, my own grandmother. And I know logically that is because this person cared about me and I cared about them, which is something that wasn’t true about Babylon. But people are still telling me that they are so sorry for my lose when it comes to her, and they are making me feel like I should feel something. Something that I just don’t feel. Peter is really whipping me with this one because it is his belief that I should have 1) respect for ones elders, 2) that you should feel love and respect for those that made your life possible, and 3) she was family which means you should automatically love her and feel bad/sad when she dies. None of the rest of me feels this way about Babylon but Peter is not letting is go. It something that he can use to whip “A” with. So I am sad that my friend has died, it’s raining AGAIN, and I have a personality that will not let me mourn my friend without making me feel guilty about Babylon. I think I need to get out of this house and around some people before I go completely over the edge, but I have voices screaming don’t leave the house it isn’t safe outside.
So I am a depressed, agoraphobic, with split personalities about to go crazy here or maybe I am and I just don’t know it yet. I hope at least half of this makes sense because right now I feel like my personalities are jumping in and out and all over the place and I’m not even sure who or which one is in control or if anyone is. OH, and please God don’t let any one else die on me, I can’t handle anymore.