Last week I naively commented on someone else blog about the truth setting you free, boy did I get those words thrown back at me in a figurative sense this week. It all started with Sonja deciding she had, had enough of my parents and their bickering about the money my mother was soon to receive from the death of my grandmother and my father’s wish to retire and move us all to the middle of nowhere (aka his property). Both my mother and I don’t want to live on my father’s property, because it would mean leaving somewhere we have lived for 30 years, and starting all over. I don’t know if this is a problem for others but I have enough problems with being a recluse with friends I’ve had all my live, there is no way that I would ever want to leave the house in a place where I know no one, except my dad’s cousins, people I already have huge issues with (see here and here).
So Sonja decided to make an appearance and get some of her resentment off her chest. My father has been playing this game of “if you don’t want to do it my way, there’s the highway, get out!” Sonja didn’t like this one bit because the way she see it the only reason she and the rest of “A” were in a position to be abused in the first place is because good old dad didn’t have the balls to stand up to my mom and say “my kids are not going anywhere near your father.” For the first time every Sonja got past all of “A” defenses and actually voiced this option aloud to my father. Which lead to him crawling into his shell and clamming up!
The next day he decides he’s ready for a genuine talk about the past, but by this time Sonja gone and Edith has taken over. Fact-finding Edith wants the all powerful truth from him, so she asks him some questions that she realizes afterwards “A” may not have been really ready for.
Question 1: Due to receiving different answers, Edith wants to know when exactly he found out about my mother and my grandfather and the abuse?
Answer: A week before they got married. (Mind blowing!)
Question 2: When did he realize my mother had split personalities?
Answer: a year after they were married – she had what amounted to an emotional affair – no sex – with one of his friends.
Question 3: Why did he allow his child near his wife’s father when he knew what he was?
Answer: First of all, he believed my mother when she said the abuse was over (maybe hers was but there was not telling how many others there where). Also he and mother had made a deal that we – their children where never to be left alone with the man, that one or both of them would always be with us.
Question 4: If he knew mom had split personalities 7 years before I was born what made him think that she wouldn’t split when she was suppose to be watching us? We had this saying that for at least week after mom went to my grandparents she was a different person; it took her that long go get back to being mom. How much worse did he think she was when she was actually there with them?
Answer: I really didn’t get an answer to that one.
So here’s the truth – my father married a woman that he knew was abuse by her father, and within a year my father realized my mother had split personalities due to the fact that one of those personalities was having emotionally affairs with men that would end before they became sexually. She would always come back to my father and due to his own physical abuse and mental issues (savior complex) he’d take her back. When they had children, instead of keeping them away from a known pedophile, they instead made an agreement – their children would never be alone with him, that one or both of them would always be around. The problem with that is one of my mother’s splits is someone who doesn’t have children. If you don’t think/believe you have children, how are you supposed to watch out for them? My father was aware of my mother’s splits but still thought she was able to look out for her children, even though it was a joke in our house that when mom visited her parents she came back another person.
My mind has been going over and over this all week and here’s the problem – part of my feels sadness and pity for my father that he fell in love with such a damaged woman and part of me is just damn mad and angry that he didn’t do a better job protecting his children.
So whoever said the true will set you free forgot to add that it may also leave you broken and bleeding. I was going to say but at least you know the true, but now I’m beginning to wonder if the truth is all it’s cracked up to be.