***** Trigger Warning – Sexual Abuse****
When you are abused as a child, control becomes a big issue when you reach adulthood. I feel this is doubly true when you have been sexually abuse, because the most private parts of your body are violated and you have no control over it. You have no say over what is happening to you, you can’t stop it, you can’t control either your body’s reaction to it or the reaction of the person that is perpetrating the act. I know for me sometimes the only thing that got me through it was knowing that someday I would be old enough and big enough and strong enough to be able to control what happened to me and what didn’t happen to me. Now that I have reached that point I have become a bit of a control freak – I want to control everything around me.
Right now I am experiencing this heightened need for controlling thing because everything seems to be out of control, plus I feel like the people around me are complete morons who don’t know anything and don’t want to listen when they are given good advise. I feel like I am sitting back watching all these people in trains that are going full speed ahead, all rushing right at each other. I can see the accidents waiting to happen, but they seem to be totally oblivious to them. I want to control them so that they will stop long enough to see the accident that they are running head on into, but I can’t. It is frustrating, annoying, maddening and provoking, but there is nothing I can do to control these people or the things that they are doing. If AA and all those other Anonymous groups have taught me anything it is the Serenity prayer which originally went something like this:
God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed.
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
if I surrender to Your will,
so that I may be reasonably happy in this life.
Maybe if I say this to myself enough I can let go of the things and people who I cannot control. I just wish I couldn’t see the train wrecks waiting to happen. It would make letting go of my reins of control on everyone’s life around me so much easier to do.