I had a hard time even knowing what to call this post, so I’m sorry if any of this offends anyone, but I’m trying to explain things in the best way I know how.
Today, my mother and I got in a discussion on how I view my grandparents. It basically started because I feel that now that both Satan and Babylon (grandparents) are dead; we should be more open and able to talk about what happen to us. I also feel that there are still family members that haven’t come forward with their abuse due to shame or the fact that they have yet to admit it even to themselves, but that it a subject for another time. This conversation got around to my feelings on Satan and Babylon; I told my mother that I viewed them as something purely evil. This was hard for her to heard because she is in this place where she see them as two sets of people – the ones that where her abusers and the ones that were her parents, so she didn’t get what I was trying to say. I tried to give her a comparison and all I could come up with was Adolf Hitler. In no way am I trying to take away from the horribleness that was Hitler and the things he did, I was just looking for someone almost everyone could consider evil. I know that he is someone that my mother can see as being purely evil, its the only reason I used him as an example.
Before he became the Nazi killing machine, he created some beautiful pictures. I said when you look at his pictures you think how wonderful, then you find out that they were painted by Adolf Hitler and all you can see is the evil that he spread on the world and it ruins any beauty the pictures may have held. I went on to say that to my Satan and Babylon are smaller versions of Adolf Hitler. Yes, they may not have contributed to the deaths of millions of people, but they emotionally killed children with their abuse. The abuse they spread was the death of my childhood at a very young age. How can I look at their lives and see anything but the bad? Just like Hitler isn’t remember for his paintings but the atrocities that he was a part of during the WWII, so I can’t remember Satan and Babylon for anything else then the fact that they killed the child me and left me so emotionally scarred I sometimes wonder if physically killing me wouldn’t have been kinder. I know that what I said was kind of harsh but my mother has this way of thinking that just eats away at me. She thinks that these truly evil people are being remembered by God. I can’t find it in me to believe that. When you are that evil, I don’t think you can change, in fact, I believe that they love that kind of evilness.
Due to having to deal with them I have gotten this kind of sixth sense when it comes to these types of people. I feel that I have radar or built in detector for evilness of any kind, may it be little or may it be big. It’s why I tend to make immediate judgments about people, and very seldom am I wrong. I feel like the child who could see dead people except I see evil people. This radar goes off with almost precision targeting – jerk, loser, abuser, and untrust-worthy. Stay away, stay away, avoid… And that’s what I do. Sometimes I don’t even know that this radar is working; l just know that someone gives me a funny (not good) feeling.