***** Trigger Warning – Sexual Abuse ****

I have been growing my hair out for almost two years now. Which is a miracle for me since as soon as it gets to shoulder length I have it hacked off. I know that this compulsion has to do with my grandfather and what happened to me, but I thought I had finally worked through that trigger which was causing this need. For months and months my hair has been growing farther and farther down my back, and while I sometime get the urge to cut it. It is usually just a passing whim that I can quickly dismiss. Not so this time, yesterday I had a friend of mine who is a hair dresser cut the ends and put some layers in it, in a hope that it would calm this compulsion. Instead of helping I ended up walking out of there, feeling like she hadn’t taken enough, and wanting to do something to it myself.

This morning I wigged out in the shower because when I looked down the ends of my hair were hitting between my shoulders and my chest, and it flashed me back to a time when I was abused in the shower by my grandfather. He use to like to grab my hair when it was long and use is as a handle or a way to control me. Afterwards I remember looking down at it and it was at the same place it is now and thinking if I cut it off he could no longer use it against me. So that’s what I did; I cut it so that I barely came to my chin, sometime it was even shorter than that. And I have continued to do that ever since until he died and then I started letting it grow out. Feeling that now that he was gone I no longer needed that protection. For almost 3 years I’ve been fine with only a few times of unease which usually passed without me doing anything.

I know that my friend probably thinks I’m insane but I HAVE to get my hair to a length that isn’t going to keep triggering this memory. Right now I want to take my father’s electric cutting hairclippers to it, I’m thinking buzz cut.  I know that a buzz cut is NOT a style that would look good on me at all but my hair, it has to go. I’m just hoping I can hold out for 2 days till she can fit me back in. Just the feel of it is making me panicky.

What really makes me mad is that I thought I had finally beat this trigger only to have it reappear. I know that part of this is the stress of Babylon’s (grandmother) passing. And my friend even asked if I would feel differently next week when all this passed and the funeral was over. Maybe I will but that does nothing for the way it is driving me over the cliff right now.


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