First I want to say this was not what I originally thought I be posting under issues of the sexual kind, in fact there will probably be a second post on this that will cover those original thoughts but I’m trying to explore all the truths, even the hidden ones. For some reason this week’s therapy session was harder and more uncomfortable than any I have had before, including those that have dealt with my abuse. I’ve had two more alters made themselves know over the last week – Lola and Peter. They have me feeling like I’m coming out of my skin and they’ve been the reason that I’ve had a really bad time sleeping this last week. Peter is a religious extremist and Lola is sexually precocious in a covert way.
What made this session of therapy so uncomfortable is that I not use to talking about sex, at least not when it come to me and what I want and am feeling. I can talk about the abuse because that I don’t view it as sex, at least not the normal healthy kind. I don’t know how to talk about my sexual needs/urges/fantasies without becoming embarrassed and ashamed. When it comes to sex and wanting it or having feelings about it; it is a taboo subject, one that is not to be discussed. It was VERY hard for me to break that wall down even in therapy. I found myself saying things that I barely admit to myself let alone talk about out loud.
**** Trigger Alert – Talk about Sex. Don’t read if this may offend you, but I need to talk about it. ****
Before I start this part I want to say that I started this journal to be totally honest, even to myself, even if it makes me feel in some part ashamed. I think that half of my problem is that shame keeps me from speaking my truths. I’m in my thirties and like most women that age my sex drive is in over-drive. The Lola part of me craves sexually release all the time. Anything can set her off a song, a movie, a scent, watching two people holding hands, anything. The issue with her is that she doesn’t want a man (or a woman for that matter); again I believe trust enters into this decision. This is something she only wants to achieve on her own. She is addicted to porn – especially male on male gay porn. When I discussed this with my therapist she thinks that this is because that way I can distance myself from the actually act, yet still get pleasure from it. Every part of my religious and family background is disgusted and appalled by her. This is where Peter enters into the situation, let’s just say that once Lola gets her way, Peter spends hours mentally flogging her?me? Peter is asexually, like a monk or a priest or at least like a priest should be. To him sex is something we just don’t have in any form especially if we are NOT married. That is the only place that sex is allowed within the sanctity of marriage and only with your husband or wife – female to male, male to female.
I’m sitting here trying to write this and Peter is screaming in my head you can’t write that, then people will KNOW how sick and perverted you are. I feel sick and I want to throw up, but another part of me feels relieved that I can finally say this. It’s very hard to live with two such different warring personalities.
I had to save this to draft because I couldn’t post it from where I was writing it, which caused a major issue on it getting posted at all. As soon as I had save it to draft I started having a panic attack and hyper-ventilating. I wanted to delete it completely and almost did several times. I keep hearing my father’s voice from when I was nine. I’d written in my diary that I hated my mother and wished she was dead; she of course found it and violated my privacy and read it, and went ballistic. All I can really remember from that is my father telling me to never write down things that I didn’t want read. It is something that has stuck with me to this day. Needless to say I never had a handwritten diary again. This blog journal is the closest thing I’ve had to that diary. There are things here I’d never want my parents to read. This post being one of them, but on the other hand 90% of my alters have voted in favor keeping and publish this blog post so I’m letting the majority rule on this even though 10% is deathly against this ever seeing the light of day. This is scary for me because it brings up feelings of shame, embarrassment and rejection.