I forget to add this to my list of aftereffects of child abuse, but right now it is the one I am dealing with the most and trying really hardest to get rid of. Since my adopted grandma’s death, all I have wanted is to be with her. I miss her so much because she was the one that keep me center when everything around me was spinning out of control. She reminded me that I was a powerful, kind, beautiful, loving person, when the rest of the world and my own mind were telling me I was worthless. With the birth of my sister’s new baby, being denied once again for social security and increased health problems the thoughts of suicide have gone from sometimes crossing my mind to an ever-present whisper there.
It would be so easy to swallow the 30 or so different prescription medications that I have in my kitchen, to slam my car into a cement barrier or drown myself in the ocean. The only thing that is holding me back at this point is that I am more afraid that I’ll screw it up and it won’t work, that I won’t die but I will get stuck in a coma or something equally horrible, after all with my luck lately this is just the thing that would happen. After discussing this for a second time with my therapist is as many weeks, I almost landed myself back in the county run nut house. This is also something I don’t want as the last time was traumatic and triggered A LOT of my issues with hospitals. Plus I don’t want to deal with the crap I got last time from my family about checking myself in. As my father put it “I don’t belong there, I’m not crazy so stop acting like I am.”
All I want is peace, and falling asleep and not waking up seem like a good way to achieve that. I want the world to go away and the voices in my head to stop. I don’t want to FEEL anything anymore, and I think that in the long run it would be easier on my family because I wouldn’t be a constant reminder of the fact that we’re not the prefect picture they try so f%&king hard to show the world. I am tired of being the only one trying to change and I am tired of trying to explain what is wrong with me. Last week in therapy I went from balling my eyes out (something I never do, at least not in front of anyone) to having Rose take over and shutting me down. She shut down ever emotion and put me into robot mode. The problem with that is that Rose is having a hard time staying in control, because whether she and I like it or not, the emotions are there and they want out. I am in the process of trying to find an in-patient treatment center that can help before the pills that line my kitchen cabinets became a temptation that I no longer want to talk myself out of. The problem I’m having is finding a place where they don’t just drug you out of your mind and say ok you’re better. I want a place that can really help me and won’t be a waste of my time or money. If anyone has any suggestions, I’m in the southeast USA.
As of right now, I have my therapist doing daily check-ups on me, not by my choice, to make sure I’m still breathing, I guess. To tell you the true, Rose hates it but she hates all things Therapy. She is putting up with it mainly because it pisses The Shadow off (the voice behind the suicidal thoughts), most of my others are on the fence about it, except for Edith who thinks its sweet (which is making everyone else want to gag). My personalities can’t even get on the same page with this, so I’m pretty sure for now that they will not be getting on the same page on ending it all. I just wish everything didn’t feel so hopeless.