We’ve talk about all the people I’m angry at, now comes the blame and the guilt. I read somewhere once that guilt is just anger turn inwards towards yourself. I’ve put blame and guilt together because they walk hand in hand. Yesterday I wrote about how angry I was at myself for allowing the abuse to happen over and over again and not putting a stop to it. But this also makes me feel to blame and very, very guilty.
To start just what are blame and guilt?
• Behavioral self-blame – the kind of blame where you feel YOU should have done something differently, and because you didn’t; it is all your fault.
• Character self-blame – the kind of blame where there is something inherently wrong with YOU, something you were born with that just automatically makes you at fault.
I feel like I am to blame for my abuse because I never told anyone. I am to blame because I never screamed or made any other noises to get people’s attention. I feel that God blames me and thus I blame myself because I grow up in a house where I was taught what was happening to me was WRONG, yet I never stopped him. I feel like I am to blame because when I was 10 or 11, I begged my mother to let me have a two piece swimsuit like all the other girls. I had not body yet, but for just once I wanted to be like all the other girls – in my black and yellow two- piece. The suit was my favorite thing and I couldn’t wait to show it off, like little girls do. I can still hear him singing “It was an itsy, bitsy, teenie, weenie, yellow polka-dot bikini, that she wore for the first time today” as he molested me. I feel that I was to blame because I wore that suit near him. Needless to say I never wore that thing again. I blame myself for being so irresistible to him, that he just couldn’t leave me alone.
I feel guilty because I wanted to be like other girls my age and in the process I tempted him. I feel guilty because I should have known better; it was like waving a red flag in front of a bull. I feel guilty that I allowed his self-importance to come before my well-being. I feel guilty that by not pressing charges I may have allowed him to do to others what he did to me. I feel guilty that as much as I feel I should forgive him, I just can’t. I feel guilty that for years I dream of him dying horrible deaths include some which I did to him. I am not a vindictive person, so I feel guilty that he has made me feel this way. I feel guilty that because my speaking up about my abuse has forever changed the way my father looks at me. I use to be the apple of his eye now he can barely look me in the eye. I feel guilty that I make my mother question what/where she was when I was being abuse, and that she in turn feels guilty. I feel guilty for hating my sister’s joy. I also feel guilty because I sometimes wish some of what happened to me on her so I wouldn’t feel so alone.