Like I said Anger seem to be my personal favorite in the list of aftereffects child abuse has left me with, or maybe to put it more accurately Anger is the one that sticks the closest, appears the most, and is seen by those around me. Anger is a very powerful emotion. It poisons our minds and makes rational thinking almost impossible.
My anger is out of my control, I have no idea what will set it off, how it will choose to display itself or where it goes when is suddenly disappears after putting me in the situations it does.
But first who am I angry at and why am I angry?
I’m angry at myself, my family, God and well, the world as a whole.
I am angry at my family because they didn’t stop the abuse. They knew what my grandfather was – a child molester – yet they gave him easy access to children. They didn’t keep me safe. I am angry that I had to be the one to stop the abuse because they were too blind to see what was going on right under their eyes. I am angry that it took me becoming deeply depressed and suicidal before they even notice there was anything wrong and got me help. I am angry that my family never talked about or will now talk about what my grandfather did to us. I am angry that they are still trying to keep it a secret. I am angry with my family for the way they handled the situation after the abuse became known. I am angry that I was treated like I had done something wrong, when I was in fact the victim, while my grandfather seems to get away with it. I am angry that my family dissuaded me from pressing charges against my grandfather, in an effort to keep their secret. I am angry that every bit of my therapy has been paid for by me, instead of by the person who caused me to need the therapy in the first place, even though I have no money and his estate is large. I am angry that my family thinks that it is time I get over this already and move on with my life. I am angry at my family for being able to have a life while I live in misery and pain. I AM ANGRY AT MY FAMILY.
I am angry at God for allowing this to happen to me. I am angry at God for giving this man a place of prominence in his place of worship. I am angry at God for allowing him to use that prominence and God’s word, the Bible to gain power over me so that he could abuse me. I am angry at God for allowing this to make me question my faith in him and have doubts. I AM ANGRY AT GOD.
I am angry at the world as a whole because they just don’t get what being sexual molested as a child does to you, how it effects every day after that. I am angry at everyone – teacher, doctors, etc. – who should have noticed, and didn’t. I am angry at the system that is now denying me the help and support I need to get better. I am angry at all those happy people out there with their happy lives, who never had to experience what I have; I am angry because I can’t be one of them. I AM ANGRY AT THE WHOLE WORLD.
Yes, I left being angry at myself for last because I am the person I am most angry at and because this is the hardest one to admit to. As I said in the beginning of this post “anger poisons our minds and makes rational thinking almost impossible.” Logically I know that being angry at myself is foolish, because I did nothing wrong, my abuser did, but emotionally I am still angry at myself. I am angry because I allowed the abuse to happen, and I keep allowing it to happen even though I knew it was wrong. I am anger that I could have say “no” and made him stop, but I didn’t even try. I am angry that I wasn’t strong enough to make him stop. I am angry that I never told although he used threats to makes sure that I didn’t. I am angry that I can’t make this all go away like it never happened, like I use to be able to do. I am angry that I can’t put this behind me and get on with my life. I am angry that I have allowed this to make me feel ashamed, guilty, and worthless. I am angry that I have allowed this to make me feel dirty and undeserving of the love of others. I am angry that I can’t trust anyone because of my abuse and am therefore unable to get close to or allow others close to me. I am angry that I have allowed this to bottle up my emotions to the point where I am afraid to have or express any of them. I am angry that I was not able to handle the effects of my abuse so I now have to deal with at least 7 different personalities in my head all trying to tell me what to do. I am angry that I have allowed this to make me such an angry person. I am angry that it is hard for me to say these things, without being angry at myself for feeling them. I AM ANGRY AT ME.