Why Do I Keep Going Here…

Well I did it even though I really didn’t want to; I went to Mississippi for my sister’s baby shower. If I take the time to analyze the reasons, they come down to this – guilt, responsibility and maybe lastly love.

GUILT

My family has this way guilt tripping you when all you’ve done is say “NO” to them. By using the guilt trip the play on all the emotions that I already have going against myself. The fact that I feel like I can to nothing right or everything I do is wrong. Or that I’m a bad person somehow because I won’t give in to them.

RESPONSIBILITY

Add to the guilt the fact that I feel responsible for my sister, that I have spent my whole life making sure that she was shielded from the bad and got just about everything she wanted and you add a whole new layer.

LOVE

Then come the fact that in spite of the fact that I have all these issue with my sister; I still love her and I want to give her good things.

Yes, it’s messed up, especially when I know that one – my sister will never even think of doing half the things I’ve done for her for me, and two – my sister expects me to come through so she doesn’t really appreciate what it is that I’ve done for her.

So here I am I Mississippi which is the middle of nowhere to this city girl that is use to having stores within five minutes of the house, and I’m trying to bake my sister her shower cake. I’ve done the calculations on how much cake we will need for the 150 people that are coming to her shower (yes, 150 people). Remember for my sister everything has to be BIG. When I realize I don’t have enough cake mix. The closet store is 20 – 25 minutes away. It’s a Wal-Mart’s so it’s packed with people, I don’t know the store lay out and I am stressed = panic attack. I get back to the house only to have my sister’s mother-in-law make two stupid, anger inducing comments. The first is that she is making a cake for the shower too, so when will I be done with her oven. Here I am with a chocolate sheet cake with white chocolate filling and frosting and a 12″ and 8″ pink lemon layer cake with strawberry cream filling and strawberry icing Cake !with pink and purple edible flowers all handmade that I am making especially for the shower and she wants to make a cake too. Then to top it all off she says a second stupid thing – Wal-Mart’s makes beautiful cakes and it would have be so much easier to just order one from there. At this point I’m ready to scream so I go back down to my sister’s place (she lives at the top of the hill, the in-laws live at the bottom), when I bring this up to my sister, she says “let her make her cake.”

I drove 800 miles, I had spent the last 3 days working on my sister’s two cakes and instead of being on my side, and it’s like so what that I’ve done all this. At this point I’m ready to leave my sister and her half finish cake and tell her she can go to h<!! before I’ll finish it. I’m freaking out, trying to call my cousin Sophia so that she can calm me down and sympathize with me only to find out that when I got my new phone her number got erased (Sophia when you read this call me). All I can think is here I am again. Doing something I didn’t want to do in the first place for a sister that didn’t care anyway, but would have given me everlasting guilt if I hadn’t. Needless to say I once again sucked it up and made it through. The good thing is that everyone ate my cake and no one ate the other one. 

It’s during this time that I start seeing the trailer for the upcoming movie Les Miserable and they keep playing the – I Dreamed A Dream Lyrics

“I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I’m living,

So different now from what it seemed…

Now life has killed the dream I dreamed…”

And they hit a chord with me, because that is so much how I feel – that my life has killed the dreams I use to have. More on that later.

 

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