Optical Illusion

I’ve been sick the last two weeks with a horrible chest cold. For days all I’ve done is sleep or watch TV, mostly sleep. Food has held no interest for me, and I’ve had to force at least one meal down a day. But in this time I’ve had space to reflect on some things. Being sick I have been watching a lot of teen movies – Ferris Bueller, Empire Records, and this new to me movie Charlie Bartlett and I have come to this conclusion while I may be 35 on my next birthday I was never 15. I never had the life of a normal teenager. I was so busy being an adult I was never a kid. I had a job at 14. By then I was the other parent in the household, I made adult decisions and tried to keep the house going when my mother decided to go off on her “trips” – or another wards she’d run away from home for a while. Sure I had my small rebellion when it came to dyeing my hair black cherry or purple but I never had boyfriends, I never went to dances or on dates, I never really had girlfriends to do crazy stuff with. My teen years were spent working, trying to keep an A to B average in all honors classes, and making sure that we had food in the frig, and my sister was pick up from school. I was 14 when I made the decision I wanted to go on medication for my seizures, after 6 years of everything else under the sun and no improvement, I had to make that decision, because my mother didn’t want to go that way and my father didn’t want to make her angry. The only reason I got my way on it was that I had to threaten Child Protective Services, otherwise my mom would still be try to fix me with smoke, rattles and feathers.

Now I look back and I so want to be a teenager, free to just be young and stupid. Sometimes I’m at church and I look at teenagers, and I have to remind myself I’m not that young. I feel so drawn to people that age but then I look at myself and think that is never going to be you. That time passed you by while you were busy being an adult so that the adults around you could act like children.

Now I just feel lost. Part of me wants to be/feel like a teenager, and part of me feels a thousand years old, but none of me feels like I am the age that I am. Being 35 means having a husband, maybe some kids, a job, I don’t know something more to show for those 35 years of existence then what I have. Which right now feels like nothing. I feel sort of like that optical illusion picture where you see the young girl or the old lady depending on the way that you look at it. That is me. Sometimes I look at life and I’m the girl others I look at it and I’m the old lady.

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2 thoughts on “Optical Illusion

  1. Do you have the space now to let yourself be teenager ish sometimes?! Even my therapist talks about letting her inner teen out cos she couldn’t express her at that time xx

    • The problem with my teen self (Becca) is that if she comes out I have to keep a tight leash on her because she wants to do everything – drink, sex with strangers, partying till she drops, and she can be very hard to handle or tell “no she can’t to something”. Things that I can’t do either for health reasons or because they really are not safe are all things that she wants to do. She care very little about what consequences of her actions may be because after all she can just disapper, when the fun is over and leave me holding the bag. The most that I can do to let Becca out right now is watch teen movies or TV shows; although I can tell that she is getting tired of this and that she wants more.

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