Ok I know that I have been talking a lot about Grief and the passing of a loved one in my last few post but they were the top issue in my life and they seemed to be drowning everything else out. I’m now realizing that they have been actually focusing my issues more than covering over them.
My family has a legendary track record of not making decisions, or more to the point way for the problems to go nuclear then asking everyone “what do you think I should do?” By this point the answer to that question is so clear even a blind man can see it, but still my family can’t. I hate always having to make decisions. I’ve made them since I was a child and right or wrong I’ve always paid for them. If they are wrong then it is my entire fault because I made that decision. If I am right, I’ve had to defend the decision to the point that it feels like I’m wrong, and then it is always someone else that takes the credit for the decision. So not only to I get to feel bad, worn-out and misused, I also get cheated of feeling the praise that goes with having made the right decision.
I know what you all are thinking; because I think it many times myself – I need to stop – stop making any and all decisions that don’t directly affect me. I just wish that it was that easy.
Babylon (my actually grandmother) has once again made everything about her. She must always be the center of attention – to achieve this she acts in ways that normal people would never even think of doing. Point in case, I worked extremely hard to make my adopted grandma’s memorial service a thing of beauty and grace. I did the flower arrangements; the programs and the photo collage myself. They were all acts of love and a way for me to feel like I was doing the best I could to show the love and respect I had for her. Babylon, along with the rest of my family and the members of our church all attended this service. I was worried Babylon was going to struck out then so I stayed away from her the whole day, because I know in my grief I wasn’t up to handling her. To pay me back the next day after church, she caused a big scene because I walk by her while she was talking to someone else and I was looking for someone who was leaving and I didn’t stop to talk to her. Ok, I may have pushed her button a little because she basically spoke derogatory about me to someone else then walked away before I could say or do anything. And having had enough of her crap, I went after her and told her that I thought she was being very rude and it was about time someone told her that her behavior was unacceptable. She ended up yelling at me in the house of God which for being a Christian wasn’t a very Christian thing to do. Then because my parents didn’t come fast enough to take her home she caused another scene by trying to walk home (she did look kind of funny, here she is an 80+year with a walker trying to walk home a good 10 miles in the heat). She tried hitting my mother when she tried to talk her into the car, and she finally had to be taken home by one of the members of our church. The biggest problem I have with all of this is that my family act like her behavior is no big deal, or that it is part of her advancing years. The thing is her behavior is A BIG DEAL, it’s humiliating and it isn’t something that she has just started doing this is something that she has done all my life. The thing that is hardest about this is that I can still remember the repeated times when I was little being told that my behavior was wrong, rude, inappropriate or something along those lines. She never allowed us to get away with behavior that was even remotely as bad as her, without telling us about it. I just felt like it was time that the favor was returned.
I’m angry at my sister because she wants us to come to her baby shower – which translates she wants me to help plan her party from 800 miles away. First of all I’m not in the partying mood. Second I don’t want to have to plan anymore parties for her. Haven’t I done enough! I’ve planned every big party she’s every had – graduation, 1st baby shower, bridal shower, wedding – isn’t that enough. Haven’t I suffered enough? I’ve watched her get everything she’s ever wanted and planned the parties to celebrate it. I think I would feel a little differently about this if there was some appreciation, and my sister didn’t feel so entitled.
Then I have this anger that is just THERE! I can’t tie it to anything I just am ANGRY, MAD and RAGING. I don’t want anyone near me. This happens from time to time. It’s like everything and everyone is a Trigger. My agoraphobia is back in full swing. I’m not sure if I am afraid to go out because of what others may or may not do to me or if I’m afraid to go out because of what I may or may not do to others. Sonja is out and wanting to handle all of this which means I have to keep pulling in my warrior. I’ve had to take to watching movies that are really not my thing just to keep her in check. Without bullets raining, bombs blowing, and people getting their a$$ kicked, she’s not happy. And when she’s not happy, I can’t get a moments peace. I’m thinking I may need to take up kick boxing or something so I can channel my warrior’s need for vengeance, angry and mayhem.