As most of you have read, I lost my adopted grandmother a few weeks ago. For the week before and since that time the only alter that has been out is Rose. When Grandma was sick and I was here all alone having to deal with doctors, hospice, paperwork and her totally crazy grand-niece, I needed Rose. I needed her to be out. I needed to be on auto-pilot, to get things done. I needed to not feel anything just to make it through each day. Because underneath of her was a scared little kid who was losing someone they loved and had no control what so ever. The problem is that now I can’t shut her off. She keeps trying to shelve all my feelings, turn them off, not allow them to surface so now I’m walking around with this big lump of feelings in the middle of my chest and tears that just can’t seem to break the surface and I want them out. I think that I have to go back to the beginning of all this and start processing my feelings from there. But first I have to get Rose to let go of the firm grip she has on my emotions. I know that part of the reason she doesn’t want to let go is because she is the part of me that believes the words that were said to me so many times as a child “you never let them see you cry”, “tears are a sign of weakness”, and “to be strong you can’t let them see you feel”.
I think that with my parents leaving to take Reuben (nephew) home that I will finally have the alone time I need to turn Rose off and feel. I have a lot to process but I’m hoping to get it all out in the next week.