For the last couple of weeks, I have been dissociating so bad, I’m not sure that I can describe it, but I’m going to try. I feel like I’m strapped to this chair and there are all these TV’s in front of me that I’m being forced to watch. Nothings real in them, I can’t touch the people in them and they can’t touch me, I feel nothing, no attachment to them. It’s more like torture than anything else.
There’s the TV that has my sister, Dinah and her family on it. The show’s called “The Perfect Family”. She has everything, a husband that loves her, a child that my parents adore, and she is expecting another one. I’m sitting on the outside watching all the perfection and I just want to scream and beat on the screen and say “it’s not fair, I want that”. Yet I can’t have that, I can’t even get close enough to anyone to have that.
Then there is the TV that plays my parents none stop. The show on this set is called “Divorce Waiting To Happen”. It’s like watching every imaginable mistake you can make in a relationship happening before your very eyes, all to one couple. I feel like when you watch a horror movie and you know that the killer is in the closet and you are yelling at the screen trying to somehow let the pretty girl know not to open the door, only to watch her do it and see her brutally murder. That is what watching my parents is like, you want to tell them not to do what they are doing but they are on TV and the script is already written and they are just playing the part, and you can’t change it no matter how much you try; plus its exhausting to try so you just sit and watch instead.
The next TV has my Uncle Abel on it and his show is “The Dating Game – The Psycho Edition. Every woman he picks is nuts big time, that’s why he likes them in the first place; they are all like his mother, Babylon and he wants to fix them and make them better. Then he ends up being abused, scream at, chased and harassed by them. It would be funny if it wasn’t real, but since it is, it’s just sad.
The TV after that has my two grandmothers on it (Babylon and my adopted one) and its show is called “This is Why The Eskimos Leave Their Old On An Iceberg”. It plays non stop whining, complaining and other things that make you seriously consider how much a hit man would cost, and if he would give you a group rate to do both of them or if you could get away with euthanasia.
There are other TVs in the room playing other things as well but these are the big ones and I keep looking for the off button for them, because I don’t want that reality. Yet as much as the shows are not what I want to be watching, I’m stuck with them. But none of them really matter either. I feel like all of them are reaching out to me so that I will interact with them, but none of them are reaching me. And I can’t reach them because I’m strapped to the chair and can’t move. To make things even worse, I have more of an attachment to the people in the books I read, or the movies I’ve seen then I do to any of these people in my so-called real life. It’s like my real life is the imaginary one and the people in the books and movies are real. They are the real world for me, they are where I really belong, but somehow I keep getting pulled back to the chair in front of all the TVs with all the shows that are my family/life.