Three weeks ago I was basically left with no therapy or more accurately no therapy option that would work for me. For the last few months my therapist has been telling me that she was leaving the volunteer organization that I can afford to go do something else and that she was looking for someone to take over my case. At first I figured that she was on it and that I would have no problems, but as session after session pass without her being able to come up with anything, I started looking around on my own. The issues I’m having are one – money since I am unable to work and am still waiting for social security disability and two – I can’t do group therapy right now, especially mixed group because of my crowd anxiety levels and the fact that I just don’t trust men. My last session with my therapist I basically walked out of because I could no longer listen to her tell me that I had choices when my choices came down to paying through the nose for therapy or sitting in a group which would do me no good because I would me dissociating the whole time. After I tried explaining this to her, she still went on and said I had choices three more times. At which point I was ready to punch her (my default when I get mad or angry), so I walked out instead. Now I am trying to deal with everything on my own and I feel like I am drowning and everyone around me is watching and cheering.
My depression and anxiety levels have gone through the roof. It’s raining all the time. This makes me even less incline to leave the house, and if I’m not going to leave the house why should I shower or get dressed. I know in the logical part of my mind I should but it is being buried alive by my depression. The really bad part is that I want to feel like this. I want to stay in my pjs, I want to eat everything in the house, and then dissociate for hours so that the time seems to fly instead of drag by.
A few things have happen in the last few weeks that have added to these feelings, and now I have nowhere safe to talk about them except here on my blog. While I love writing it and express myself, it doesn’t talk back and help me through like a therapist did. But I am going to try anyway.
First thing, my sister Dinah is pregnant, and I HATE it. It’s just another way that her life is perfect – perfect husband, perfect marriage, perfect child and now she’s going to have another perfect one. Even if I wanted and could handle kids, I can’t have them. So with each child she has, she is again showing herself to be the “good, perfect, Norman Rockwell picture” of an adult child, giving her parents grandkids to make them happy. This also just pushes me farther and farther down on the list of importance in my family, especially with my mother.
Second I am watching my adopted grandmother slowly waste away. I know she is dying, I don’t like it, but I have accepted it. Now I just wish I was over. I am having a hard time watching the slow downward spiral towards death. Every time I visit her I sit in the parking lot after and cry my eyes out. The pain of it is so bad that I don’t want to visit her at all, but I make myself once or twice a week. And I feel bad that I am wanting the end to come just so that the pain will go away.
Third, I fell in Wal-Mart’s and really messed up my shoulder. It was totally NOT my fault, someone was leaking something from their cart through the whole store and I slide and fell in it. The worst part of it is, is that it is my right shoulder and I’m right-handed. It makes dressing, driving and just about everything else painful. Now I’m being told by my lawyer that Wal-Mart’s is probably not going to even cover my medical expenses on this. (Anger is abounding on this one, which has set me into attack/kill mode were anything else can set me off – so far I haven’t unleashed any of it one anyone yet, and I have been play A LOT of video games where you shoot stuff to deal, to I’m keeping it in check)
Lastly, my mom was taken it into her head that we need to do a big family vacation this year. Family as in myself, my mom, my dad, my mom’s brother, Abel, his son, Azariah and his family, and my sister and her family, oh and my mom’s best friend that she considers family. If the other night was anything to go by I’d rather die than go. Azariah and his family, and my mom’s friend came to dinner so that we could pick a cabin to stay in. By the end of the evening, I really needed the shooting video game. Azariah (name means God help me) was looking at all these cabins that where nowhere near where we wanted to be, (remember I have NO patience) I made one comment about not wanting to stay at one place because I knew the road to get there makes me carsick. Only to be told that I should just stay home then. Then because my anxiety and angry levels were rising I got a little snappy, which was followed by my mom’s friend telling me that I need to behave better. What am I five? She’s a nurse and she knows ALL my families issues yet once again I am the only one being treated like a bad dog that get a rolled up newspaper as discipline. Now I am second-guessing the smartness of spending a week in this mess with my sister and her pregnancy wrapped in, and I think I’m either going to need a lot more drugs or a padded cell. Of course when I try to bring up my worries to my mother, she gets upset then she tries to push it away with everything will be just fine. Which just makes me want to scream!
I’ve called my doctor; I’m just waiting for a call back/appointment because right now even the nuthouse is starting to look good, in comparison. Also if some of you could talk back to me that would be a help.