Inappropriate Feelings Of Happiness

I got home from getting the groceries that I wasn’t able to get the other day due to my panic attack, only to have the phone ringing. It was my mother calling needing me to get Babylon’s medical information for my uncle (it seems that even 800 miles away my mother still has to handle these things). It seems that Babylon had falling and he had to take her to the hospital.  My mom called me back later to tell me that Babylon had broking her hip and was going to have to have surgery. All I could think is “yes, finally she will have to go to a home.” For months and months, now my mother and her brother have be going back and forth about putting her in assisted living, but neither one of them want to bite the bullet and  make the decision. It’s where she’s needed to be since Satan die a year and ½ ago, and yet she still holds such a power over her children.

So many thoughts went through my head when I heard she was in the hospital needing surgery.  I was glad this happen while my mother was away so that she isn’t the one that has to deal with it. I’m glad that Babylon will now be forced into getting help – first with rehab then either assisted living or a live-in nurse, and will have to quit expecting my mom to take care of everything. Then I had the almost morbidly giddy thought what if she doesn’t make it through surgery. Her heart isn’t good. Wouldn’t that be a blessing? She’d be with her beloved (yuck) husband and we’d be without her misery.

Part of me feels so guilty for having these thoughts because this was not how I was raised. I shouldn’t wish death or pain on anyone, but I can’t help the feelings of “Finally she’s getting what she deserves.”  I have to talk about this here and get it all out or I just know that I am going to say this out loud to someone that just doesn’t understand, that these feeling have grown from her dishing out years of mistreatment, angry and hatred.

So at least here I can be happy. I feel like the Munchkins in the Wizard of Oz – I want to sing “Ding-Dong the Witch is Dead”, or at least taken out for a while. I guess I can’t really feel completely that way until she really is dead.


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