I have a seventh part coming out of hiding, only this one isn’t like my other parts. This part has been crawling around in the back of my mind, slithering in and out of its hiding places. It’s my cutter, my obsessive to the point of doing harm to myself part. It’s the part that tears everything that I do that is good down. It’s the part that will give me no peace. I can hear it whispering always in the back of my mind. “You are worthless. You are dirty. You are no good. Nothing you do will ever be good enough. If you’d just listen to me this could be over already.” This part has no face, it has no name, it’s just a shadow and a voice. To make this part easier to keep track of I’m just going to call it the Shadow. I realized last week in therapy that this part was really showing its self. I started my session very proud of my accomplishments with the wedding cake and flowers I had done for my friends’ wedding, from there I went to they were a nice job considering, to they would do, to while at least they had something. The further into the session I got the more my shadowy voice came out, the more what I had done became worthless and horrible.
This week my parents’ are out-of-town visiting my sister, leaving me alone with my dog. I was really looking forward to this break from them, but here I am two days in and I can’t wait for them to return. I’m tired and I can’t seem to go off full alert and fall asleep. Last night I turned on a truly boring movie in the hopes of falling to sleep. I can usually fall asleep if the TV is on, but I was still awake at 6 am this morning. I’ve tried complete darkness, leaving a light on, playing music, leaving the TV on. I’m sleeping with a 95lb Rottie, who would tear the arms and legs off anyone that tried to come near me. Still every time I hear a noise I’m on full alert. No sleep means more paranoia, which means less sleep, which means more paranoia. I went to the store today to get some groceries and had a panic attack for the first time in months. This was followed by coming home and I started cutting up the strawberries I had, and I started obsessing on the knife again. The last time this happen was after I spent 3 weeks alone and I started obsessing about the swimming pool, then the knife. I ended up checking myself into the mental hospital because of it. This time I put the knives away out of sight then took and extra dose of Klonopin. So far that’s working, but if not I may have to go stay at a friend’s house.
I can really feel the creeping and crawling of the Shadow in my mind right now. This is why I don’t like being alone. It’s harder to tune out the Shadow. I need to talk about this with my doctor tomorrow maybe she can prescribe me something that will help.