I started writing this last week but I got so busy that I didn’t get to finish it. It really ties in with my out-of-town-company so I’m going to finish it. This is a subject that I haven’t really touched on before but it is at the top of my mind right now. To start out with, I am attracted to men. You would think that after the sexually abuse inflected by my grandfather that this would not be the case, but it is. In fact, I have always prefer the male persuasion – most of my friends are male, I prefer male singers, and someday I hope to have a male lover. Having left thirty in the dust there have been guys in my past. In school they were friends and friendly competition. Then when I was 20 I met the man I thought I was going to marry. I shall name him “Shallow Callow Hal”. He was my first lover and I fell in with both feet and my eyes closed. I was still going through the first stages of outing my abuse and abuser. Everyone it seemed was against me and on my grandfather’s side. I think part of me was just desperate to be loved by someone, anyone at the time. I figured that by putting my heart and soul into it, he would just have to love me back. I made the sacrifices, I excused the times when he’d seem to disappear only to reappear and be distracted. He was the first person outside of my family, my therapist and my spiritual leaders that I told about my abuse. It wasn’t right away; I did wait till after he proposed. I figured he had the right to know what he was getting himself into. I was hoping that I was going to finally have someone in my corner when it came to the abuse and my family. After that slowly the disappearing/distance thing started happening more and more. It took his brother, who was very close to our family and had feelings for my sister to finally tell me the truth. He was seeing someone else, someone that was going to have his child. Even when I approached him with this, he lied to me and said that it was all a mistake, there was no one else. After much arguing he finally broke down and told me that he was involved with someone else, then he went on to tell me that the tipping point in her favor was that he couldn’t deal with what my grandfather had done to me, and how it might affect our love life. He devastated me. I gave him my heart, something that was precious to me and that I guarded like a valuable treasure. It was like he tore it from my chest with his bare hands, threw it on the ground, stomped on it; let the dogs gnaw on it a while then gave me back to me in pieces.
After that I was even more gun shy when it came to getting into a relationship with someone, but I was still drawn to men as friends more than women. Women to me where mean, clickish and bossy, men were easier. Then along came “I-Need-A-Shoulder Greg”. At first he was just what I needed in a man, he was always after other women so he didn’t want anything from me but friendship and someone to wine about those girls to, so he was no threat. I got to go out, have fun, impart my knowledge of women, and have no demands made of me. I was his go to girl, the person that would get up in the middle of the night and drag myself out to where ever he was to cheer him up when his latest left him high and dry. Looking back now, that started to change and he tried to hint about the fact that he had started to have feelings for me. Either his hints were too subdual or I wasn’t ready for them because suddenly he too disappeared. Only to come back a few months later engaged to a girl no one knew and everyone disliked.
Still I went with it, I meet the girl. I said nothing when he drunkenly told her that if I had been more accepting that the two of us would be together. I figure this was going to be like all this other girls, she’d come then she’d go. It wasn’t till I was roped into helping with the engagement party, that it all came to a head. They had a fight and he came running back to me – scared and afraid that he was making a mistake. It was then that I realized I was in love with this guy. He was my best friend, and I might lose him. Up til then none of the other girls every pose that threat. I knew that they would only last a month or two at the most. I was waiting for him to grow up and be the man I need and in the mean time I was trying to heal my wounds. This was the first time I felt I was losing him. I try to get him to back out but he felt obligated. Suddenly I was desperate, sick and scared. I didn’t want to lose him. Two weeks before his wedding he came to me for a shoulder and I told him the truth, I told him to walk away and that we could give it a real chance between us, but his sense of honor won out and he married her. My sense of self preservation kicked in and I cut him off and out of my life. I know that it was the only way for me to survive. Because I know that if I didn’t make the cut final he would always come running back to me, and I could be that other woman.
After that I didn’t let men in anymore, I keep them all at arm’s length because I couldn’t take the pain that went with them. That is till I meet “Doubting Thomas.” He was good in that he start off the friendship by hanging with friends, he was from out-of-town so there was no real need to worry, so what if he called every once in a while. He liked my family, was friends with some of my friends and he had problems too so he was understanding. Then he came for my sister’s wedding and the whole issue discussed in The Tracks of My Tears happened. Suddenly I’m once again faced with a guy that was interested in me. The only problem I have is right now I’m not ready for any relationship, let alone one where I have to be on tap all the time. This last week the whole time Thomas was here he was waiting for me. Waiting for me to wake up, waiting for me to tell him what to do, waiting for me to make a decision on what we were doing, eating etc. It was like have a puppy slobbering at my heels ALL THE TIME. I didn’t want him getting ideas that we were more than friends but everyone assumed it, and I spent half my time setting them straight.
I want someone to love me, but on more equal ground. I don’t want to be someone’s mother telling them what to do, when to do it and so on. Why do I keep finding the wrong guys for me?