Paying Up

There is this quote from some movie that just keeps popping into my head right know about “my brain writing checks that my body can’t cash.” Between having company to stay (a whole other story that I will try to write about tomorrow), doing flowers for my friends’ wedding and their wedding cake, plus attending their wedding, I have overtaxed my body to the point where I am sick. I have a blazing sore throat and I can’t move because I hurt so badly.

I know better but I keep doing things that are going to completely tax the little bit of strength I have, because I am searching for a way to belong. It was great having my friends be so appreciative of all that I did for their wedding. It was great having all the wedding guests love my cake. I felt needed and special and it was nice. But now I am paying with being sick. The question really is – how much am I willing to give to get love in return? How big of price will I be willing to pay out?

I know that this goes back to the abuse because I am always looking for ways to please, to be a good girl, to have someone love and appreciate me. I’m looking for ways to feel needed, worthwhile and not the hopeless mess that I usually feel like. I would do almost anything just to feel needed, loved and appreciated. In fact I have. Now how do I stop?

Logically I know when I say yes to something like helping with this wedding that the price I’m going to pay is my health, but emotionally it seems like such a small price to pay just to feel good.

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