For the last couple of weeks, Rose has taken over and shut down my emotions/feelings. Mostly she has been spending a lot of time in the background, since I quit working, with the exception of my sister’s wedding. She was out then, to control everything, to organize and make things run smoothly. After which she quietly withdrew to let the others deal. When all the stuff when down with my therapist, she came back with a need to put a stop to all things feeling/emotional. She no longer was willing to allow “A” to feel anything at all as it was causing too much pain and frustration. She’s ready to roll up the tents and get back to her life, a life of order, control and non-stop work. I had to fight even going back to therapy because she is tired of the road it is leading us down.
The problem is that while Rose is one of my stronger parts, she uses so much energy to be that way that she burns out rather quickly. In the process she also burns out my physical strength by trying to do too much. Now my fibromyalgia has flared back up with a vengeance, and I am in a lot of physical pain. I’m also back to sleeping all the time. Which isn’t good since she has lead me down a road and basically left me in a highly volatile situation, and walked away.
As a way to get control back and to feel like a contribution to society, Rose has taken on something that may be over her head just to feel of worth. It started with a friend getting married and needing a cake. While I didn’t do the cake for my sister’s wedding, I had done a lot of research on it and was fairly confident that I could have done it. My mother knowing this suggested that the friends ask me to do their cake. I truly believe that if Rose hadn’t been ruling in my head I wouldn’t have said yes, but she was so here I am making a 4-teired chocolate and vanilla wedding cake. Rose is confident; the rest of me is scared to death. To top it off, Rose went on to say yes to doing the wedding flowers as well. Thank goodness she had the common sense to tell the bride and groom that they would have to be in silk. But I forgot the most important part, the wedding is in less than 2 weeks.
The problem I’m having now is that Rose has done what she feels will make me a contributing member of society and now she is ready to go back into hiding. While she is not my creative part she is my most confident and I need her out and helping my creative parts to know that they can actually do this.
I feel like screaming. I feel betrayed by myself. I’m scared and panicy and wondering how in the H#!! I got here.