Since last week’s disassociating in therapy, I have been trying to pay special attention to my “others”. I gave my others their own boards on Pinterest and this is what I get in return. It seems that Kit – the young me that I killed or thought I had – is starting to make some appearances. I guess I really shouldn’t be surprised that this is happening for several reasons. First off this site it name for the Phoenix, the mythical bird that rises from the ashes of its dead self. Second I was taught to believe in the resurrection. It a core value of my faith, what little I still have of it. It seems that, that is what my inner child – Kit has decided to do rise from that dead and wreck some havoc. Actually its move like havoc, chaos, mayhem, disorder, and destruction all because she’s as mad as hell at me and wanting to cause problems for me. I think that because she is the oldest of my parts – the one that came in to existence first, even though in personality she is the youngest, she has the most power over them. I think she has been blocking them from me and me from them. This is all speculation made by my other parts as to why they were not getting through or getting to come out.
What I do know for sure is that the crying child in therapy last week was Kit’s Kryptonite. Not only did it trigger me, it triggered her. She couldn’t deal with it, she couldn’t stop it, and so she shut down and off. Now my others, while they are mad at her for trying to take over, are also worried and upset for her because she is in an almost comatose like state of shock. All Kit wants is her teddy bear and her doggie. So now I have a group of five women/personalities running around in my head trying to do something to fix her, being mad at her, and worrying about her, and after a week of Kit’s keeping them quiet or blocked out it is very loud.
And my mother wonders why I keep losing it with her. With all this going on, in the inside the last thing I can handle is my mom going on and on about everything that is going on around me. She starts on about my grandmother and what she should do with her – home care verse assisted living. My thought on this I really can’t share with her but what is going through my head is assisted suicide, heavy on the assisted, since she doesn’t want to be here anyway and she making all our lives hell. Of course I can’t say THAT to my mother so I don’t say anything which pisses her off because I’m supposed to have the answers. I always have the answers.
Then in the next breath she misses her grandson and is trying to figure out what the best way to see him is. Do I think I would be better if he came down at the end of the month with his grandfather or should she try to fly him here with is mom next month? I’m telling her I really don’t care what she does as long as she lets me know when it will be because after what happened at his last visit (and what it happening with Kit right now – something I thought but can’t say) I need to be gone for his visit. Then she starts with the crying and the I don’t understand how hard this is for her guilt trip. Then I watch as she switches modes and wants to pack up everything that my sister left, get rid of all the pictures of her and my nephew, basically sterilize the house of them. Of course that isn’t what she is doing, not in her mind. She worrying about losing the house and she doesn’t want to have to wait to get Dinah’s things to her, so it would be better if they were all gone NOW. We are not having money issues, but she is always thinking we are. When I suggested that she talk to her therapist about the issues she is having with my sister and her son moving. She told me that wasn’t what she was going to pay a therapist for, that she had other issues that were more important. When I asked her what could be so much more important than trying to deal with this great sadness that sends her into crying every other day, I got “I have to work on the issues I have with your father.” Then she started on him. I’m standing there and it was like on out-of-body experience happened. I’m watching her go on and on – I’m watching my others go round and round in my mind and I snapped. Hell I can only be a F@#King willow for so long, bending in this constant world-wind of stuff before I snap under it. Suddenly I’m watching from that distance as I start screaming.
“I can’t take this anymore, I not your buffer, I don’t want to be your buffer. I could care less about the stuff that is going on between you and dad!”
Then she’s turning on me and telling me that I put myself there, that it’s all my fault, and to stop taking it on. Stop putting myself in the middle.
Then my body (I think it was Sonja, in fact I’m sure it was) is yelling as I’m sitting back and watching – “I don’t take it on, it’s forced on me. It’s practically shoved down my throat. I don’t put myself in the middle I’m dragged there kicking and screaming because the two of you can’t exist otherwise.”
Then she starts that whole if I don’t like it, I can leave. It’s a major trigger for me because I’ve been hearing I all my life, but this time Sonja yells back “I wish I could, you have no idea how much I wish I could leave, but I’m stuck here it this hell with you guys because I have no money. I’m only waiting for SSI to come through. Then I’m out of here.” At which point Sonja takes my body and make an exit off to the shower. The only place that “A” feels save expressing her feelings, a place where no one can hear her.
That’s where I come back to my body – all nerve-wrecked and shaky. What have I just done? I never do that. Thank goodness, I have to be somewhere or I don’t know how I’d be able to go back out there and handle the after effects. For those of you that don’t know I /”A” doesn’t do confrontation.
All I wanted was my others back in working order not over-working. It’s a case of be careful what you wish for.