I keep losing time in my therapy sessions. I remember walking into them, and I start talking. Then there is nothing. It’s like my brain goes to static, and the next thing I remember is leaving therapy feeling like I’ve been ran through the wringer. I keep trying to remember but all I am only getting is bits and pieces. It feels like the harder I try to dig it out the deeper it goes, and it keeps giving me headaches. This last week’s session, I remember most clearly the baby/young child from the other session crying through most of mine. I think this is what triggered me because it’s all I can hear. I know that I am suppose to be working on something for next week, that it’s important, a list of some kind, but I can’t remember of what, and every time I try to I hear the child crying. If I can only get past the sounds maybe I can get to what was said so I can remember why I need to make a list and what needs to be on it. The problem is that by turning off the crying I seem to be turning off the rest of the sound and I can’t hear what I am saying.
This is so confusing. I try so hard to stay present in therapy, but due to some scheduling issues, my therapy times have been changing from week to week. This isn’t helping because I can’t seem to get all my parts to behave. They don’t like change too much, so they are acting out. The thing is that until I started writing this I didn’t even know that they were having an issue with this. And now that I have started writing this out and they seem to be talking to me again, I realize that the therapy thing may not be the only issue they have with me right now. It’s like they are all mad at me right now and don’t want to talk to me so they have been staying in the background a lot lately. This is also not helping me because they are not coming forward when I need them. So the “A” host part of me is feeling alone, unprotected, abandoned, and really scared. This is leading to me not wanting to go out of the house, again. I guess it is time “we” all had a talk.