Between the holidays and my others the last month has been very stressful. I was hoping that I was going to get a break this week with my parent going out-of-town, but my mom decided not to go. All of my others are mad, but then they’ve been mad anyways because they blame a lot of what it going on, on my parents, especially my mom. Every time she looks or talks to me all I feel is this push from my other, especially Sonja to just start screaming and yelling at her. I can’t seem to quiet them so I have been spending a lot of my time trying to avoid my mom. I was hoping that I would have a week without her to process, be mad and get ok with being around her again. So much for that!
Now I have a week with basically no buffer to her. How am I supposed to deal with the fact that I want to make her feel as much pain as I am feeling right now. The holidays are such a bad time for me because that is when my memories start to pop back up, then I add questions like – Where was my mom?, Why did she allow us to have anything to do with my grandfather? Added to that are the photo albums that I have been trying to scan, so that my sister, my mom and I can all have copies, which would be nice because I can’t remember a lot of it, but then I keep hitting pictures of us swimming naked in what can only be my grandparent’s pool and all my others start screaming “What the F*&k! was my mother thinking to allow that? It’s like putting out candy and telling a child not to eat it, then walking away. Of course they are going to sneak a piece! She might as well have painted bull’s-eyes on us and told my grandfather to come and get us.
The other problem I have been having with her is that mom is losing time again. During my childhood this use to happen all the time, she’d go to the store for two or three things and be gone for hours. She’d forget everyday that at 2:30, she had to pick us up from school. I’m not talking her being a few minutes late, I’m talking about I had to remember a quarter everyday so that I could call her to come pick us up. For a while she was working on it and it was better although there were still times. But lately it’s all the time. This isn’t helping my dissociation at all. I find that I am escaping into other worlds more and more, and that the real world is becoming more like something I made up.
In my other world, my others are all real and I can see them, talk to them, and touch them – they are more like friends then parts of me. In that place I don’t feel broken in to pieces, incomplete, just a shell – there I feel whole, complete – hell I feel just period. It’s nicer there where things like memories, my grandfather, my mom; her losing time and everything else I don’t want to deal with don’t exist.