Becca and Edith have been putting me in what felts like a constant battlefield where they are trying to duke it out over who’s in charge. Now that I have acknowledge them/named them/whatever, they are becoming like real separate people. No that doesn’t sound right either. I know that they are all me but they all have different likes, dislikes, it’s like I can see what each one looks like and while they are all essential my body that is where the similarities end. I fill like this f@&* up frame that is holding them all in place, but they are all pieces of different pictures.
Becca is like a cross between Goth queen and biker baby. She wants purple and pink highlights in her hair, two braids down her back, funky make-up, feather earrings, a tattoo, and to show way too much skin. Edith is always trying to stop her for getting the tattoo and trying to keep her cover up at least somewhat.
Rose is all business like, suits and tailored clothes, a little jewelry and make-up, but nothing over the top and a stylish bob hair cut.
Edith is like a cross between someone’s grandmother and an artist. Her hair is in a bun/ponytail at the nape of her neck, comfy clothes – like jeans and t-shirts, no make-up.
Due to the holidays and scheduling, we had to do back to once a week sessions, except that this thing with my personalities was starting to send me into Crazyville, so I had to have a second session this week. They are making me feel like they are fighting the battle of Waterloo over who is making the decision. It feels someone else is also in there trying to play peacemaker but I can’t get a handle on her. It’s like she knows that I have too much to handle and so she is trying to be invisible but still helpful. So each day I wake up to this fight of who gets to be in charge today – what I can wear, how I will look, and what I want to do. It’s exhausting before I even get out of bed. I feel downright crazy now because I find myself talking to (my selves?) Listening to my selves, trying to figure them out and what they want.
I keep wondering if I’ve really gone over the edge, is this normal or am I making it up or am I making myself crazy???
With all this I going down I went in to therapy yesterday, and just melted down. To start off with I had to fight Becca down so that Edith was up because she is the one that feels, and I needed her in therapy yesterday. After going through all the above feelings with my therapist, she then asks me if I want to have different therapy sessions for the different personalities. After I thought about it for a moment I said no because only Edith really believed in therapy. Rose believes in documenting everything as a way of processing but that is it for her it’s a logical (no emotion involved) thing for her, like what a doctor does when he writes notes on a patient’s chart. Becca basically thinks therapy is shit, and is only showing up so she doesn’t have to put up with the grief she will get from everyone if she doesn’t. To her it is like Edith has handed her a scripted and said this is what you need to say/feel while you are in therapy today. To her it is fun to see how well she can act the part she is playing. Only Edith actually feels anything in therapy. Then I hit me as I was sitting on the couch. I’ve never had Edith so present in therapy before, and the tears just started coming. There I was balling my eyes out because for the first time I was feeling what I was saying and not either being Becca and acting it or being Rose and reporting it. Of course that is when we hit the end of session. It basically left me feeling drained and depressed.